First Christmas As Three

This Christmas was our first as parents. Last year, I was pretty well into my pregnancy (about 30 some odd weeks), but while Kyrie was present, this was his first outside of the womb. Anyway, it came and went quickly. Kyrie was more interested in playing with the bulbs on the tree than opening presents and my husband was preoccupied with starting breakfast. I am the one who really loves Christmas, so you can imagine how all this had me feeling.🤣 But in the midst of all that, I realize now how blessed I am. I have everything I ever asked for from the Lord. We even had gifts for our son under that tree (shout out to the grandparents, y'all the real MVPs on that one).

This year has been one of firsts and it's been one of shaking and change in my world, but it's been beautiful, even in the midst if some struggles. I have grown as a woman and I'm ever growing as a mom. This by far is the hardest, most rewarding thing I've ever undertaken. My son's energy and joy inspire me (and reminds me I'm 35 sometimes, LOL). I am so thankful for this life I live by faith. Happy Holidays to you and blessings.

Extra! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT!

As a new parent, I know some veteran parents may think I'm "extra". Extra protective, extra particular about who my child is around, extra concerned about his diet, maybe even extra concerned about how he looks when he leaves the house. To that, I say, hindsight is 20/20, but all but the last thing on that list can have long term effects on my child. How do I know? Because of my own experiences as a child.

I was molested and exposed to pornography around the age of 3 or 4. It was by older kids and we didn't have adult supervision. Our parents/guardians would send us off to play, not knowing we were repeatedly being exposed to graphic images and being forced to reenact them. Then, I was threatened with harm if I told anyone.

I know as a Christian, I should not operate in fear. However, I think being conscious of who my child is around and yes, not letting any and everyone handle my baby is not fear (or acting funny), but wisdom in my opinion. There are so many children who never had the horrible experiences I did. I'm just trying to make sure the cycle is broken with my children, in every way possible. Abuse/molestation was generational is my family.

At the end of the day, I know I can't protect my child from everything. However, I have to use hard earned wisdom or I'd be a fool. I do not operate under the assumption that family or close family friends are safe. I wish I could, but abusers are often people your child knows well and trusts. So that means, I do not discriminate. I'm particular with EVERY. ONE.

What is my point? Your child is your child. God gave them to you to instruct, protect, and rear into responsible, God-fearing people. People will judge and misunderstand you ALL. DAY. LONG. Could you be extra? Maybe. But you are your child's parent, those people are not. You are responsible for your child's well-being, they are not. There is no manual, but life teaches lessons and each parent has to learn theirs. You do what you are comfortable with as a parent. I am learning to stand on that each day. Blessings!

Balance

It's been awhile and I will say, this has been a particularly chaotic (at least to me) season in my life. As you all know, I'm a new mom (I still consider having a 10 month old new) and balancing that with life as a working professional, a wife, and even a friend and daughter, has been rough. On many fronts (maybe all of them to be honest) I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. Like literally, Jesus is the thread, I'm hanging on for dear life, and I feel like my grip is slipping on many days. I prayed to be a mom, but I did not comprehend how hard it would be to juggle all the other stuff. Add to that dealing with the intersection of all those other things - work, family, friendship, and being a Christian who genuinely strives to live right - man...it's bananas.

Lord, I prayed that You would bring order to my life, but I'm learning that you answering my prayer may look like things falling apart in the natural. So, Lord, I thank you for my life falling into place even though I want to hide in a cave until the dust settles. I'm praying for the balance in my life that will help me to be a better Christian, wife, mother, friend, and daughter.

More on Forgiveness

On Sunday, our church has extended intercession. It was needed. During prayer, the Lord spoke to me regarding my mom. He told me I needed to forgive her. I cried. I said, she doesn't deserve it. God sweetly checked me and said neither did you. 😯😂😩

But God went on to explain that forgiveness doesn't mean you have to hang out around a person. He also told me to release her to Him, but I didn't deserve what comes with dying in unforgiveness. In short, forgiving her is for me, not for her. If she is offended at me, she will have to face God with that, just like I would.

God went on to tell me to be the mother I wished I had. Can you say tears? He also gave me permission to release a word, when the timing is right. He just showed me how some stuff I'd said or thought about her applied to me too and I needed to let it go.

Am I going to recount stuff? Nope. I'll just say that by the grace of God I'm a survivor. I am in my right mind and I have the love of the Father in me. Moving on from the trauma inflicted by others is not weak, but an act of self care and preservation. Beloved, God wants all that darkness in you to be lit brightly with Him and His love and goodness. Let it and them go, if necessary. God has much better for you.

More on Parenthood: My Perspective

If you've read my blog for awhile, to some degree you know me better than most. One thing I don't talk about much is my relationship with my mom, which is admittedly not awesome. It's barely existent.

But I'll pause on that. I was thinking about my own experience as a parent, and parenthood is really a gift. A really big responsibility and really hard at times, but I wouldn't trade it. Which makes it harder for me to understand or excuse how I was treated as a child.

Disclaimer: No parent is perfect, I get it. But, to make your child feel like a burden, to call them names, break them down mentally or to just not be emotionally available...that's not okay. Saying or doing things which make your  child feel insecure or inadequate, that's not okay. It is in children to want to please their parents. It's not our job to use that innate desire against them.

I have grown up more in these few months of parenthood than I thought possible. I don't sleep through the night anymore, I get bitten, screamed at, thrown up on, peed on, and that's just the baby. 😂 But I love this tiny human so much that none of those small inconveniences matter.

I respect those who made the decision not to become parents. But if you do, know it's as much about being prepared inwardly as outwardly. You can be poor and your child won't realize until later, but they will recognize being well loved. Just like if they're fortunate enough to understand being loved well later, they'll recognize when they haven't been loved properly.

My goal as a parent and my husband as well, is to raise a loved, loving , secure, well-balanced, God-fearing, respectful human being. Even if it's not always fun, even if we don't feel like it - that's what we signed up for.

Remembering God's Peace

I remember one of my first personal experiences with what I now know is the Holy Spirit. I had gotten my heart broken and I was "doing me" or whatever that means. I wasn't saved and definitely wasn't living a saved lifestyle. I had taken a shower and everything that had happened - my first love, who I thought was my best friend, was getting married. I was beside myself, sobbing and I felt like someone had ripped my heart out and punched me as hard as they could in my stomach. I was  wailing like someone had died, and in those moments, a part of me had. It was a pain I'd never felt before. Curled up on the floor in fetal position in my towel, I felt a peace I'd never known. My sobs stopped. It was like someone gave me a hug. I eventually got off the floor and I knew I'd be ok. God had mercy on me in one of my worst moments. He showed me love even though I had always known deep down that particular relationship would never work and furthermore, wasn't good for me.

God really does love us first. Not because we deserve it, but because we are His. All of us, whether you believe in Him or not. He patiently waited for me to receive Him and I am forever thankful. In return, He gave me life. He gave me love. He gave me what I had really been thirsting for, but I was at the wrong well. Years went by, but one day He met me on my living room floor.

Life After Birth

Forgive the location, but there was a full length mirror present.  I've really been thinking on my life as a mom and how it's changed so much about me - physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. This shows the outward - when I got pregnant, I weighed 200 lbs. I gained 20 during my pregnancy and now I hover around 173. I'm being really transparent because I feel like not enough people talk openly about what the body goes through to make a human. In my case, my son was the come up! But my tummy is still getting together and looks like an etch a sketch😂😂, but I respect what my body has done and am thankful to be a part of God's creative process. My point? Work on loving you at every stage.

On Breastfeeding

I wanted to take a minute to write about what is presently a somewhat important, if not prevalent part of my life, and that's breastfeeding. Before you hold your breath, this is not a manifesto. I ascribe to the "Fed is best" ideology. You'll get no side-eyes from me if you say you couldn't or just don't want to. It's not like I come from a background of women who successfully did it. In fact, just the opposite. I was so accustomed to the idea of buying formula that breastfeeding was pretty foreign to me. I had one aunt who breastfed her children and I remember them being really big, solid, healthy babies.

Did that influence my decision to do it? To a small extent. I can't tell you a single factor that influenced my decision. Of my close friends with children, I think the majority actually did not. But enough did that it became more normal. I also liked the idea that my body is capable of not only housing a person, but also providing nutrition after birth. But I also had women who made disparaging comments about how they thought it was gross.

I went in saying I'd try and if for some reason I could not, there was no problem with formula. Then I got gestational diabetes. I read up on it and saw that my diabetes put my child at risk of developing it later. I also read that breastfeeding would subsequently cut that risk, for me developing Type II later and for my son. Another check in the box for breastfeeding.

I also saw the cost of formula. Another check in the box for breastfeeding.

There's also the bonding experience  (which let me note, also occurs with bottle feeding and skin to skin contact). Check for breastfeeding!

The reality? Every mother's experience is different. Say it with me! This is just mine and I hope itvis helpful and relatable! Initially, I almost gave up before I began because my son wasn't getting enough colostrum and lost a lot of weight. My milk came in on the third day. Then, what no one warned me about - cluster feeding. My son was all about getting his weight up. He fed almost nonstop from 2 am to 7 am for about 3 days. Bruh.😩

Then, there was the discomfort. Your body and specifically your breast/nipples, have to get used to a baby feeding from them. My nipples actually cracked, scabbed over, then acclimated. Nipple balm does help.

I nursed exclusively the first 4 weeks per the lactation consultants orders. I  was counting down the days until I could give my son the bottle. Then something happened. I got the hang of it. I found it easier to give him the breast than to pump (which I'll address in a minute). We developed a routine. And I got used to the idea of breastfeeding in general.

Now onto pumping - it feels nothing like a baby nursing. It is artificial and it's not relaxing in the way nursing can be. It kind of hurts and it can cause your nipples to swell and stretch a bit. Didn't know that either. Men often don't and can't appreciate the hassle of it and I understand why women used to be stay at home moms as a rule of thumb. I am fortunate. My office provides a wellness room which can be used by breastfeeding moms. The downside? It can also be used by sick coworkers who need to lie down.

Now, onto the benefits I've experienced 1) weight loss. This is not a guarantee, but it is a benefit some moms experience. 2)Nursing has a calming effect on most moms. It releases the feel good  hormone,  oxytocin. 3)Your milk changes composition to fit your child's needs. Your kid sick? Your milk will adjust to include extra antibodies to help them fight it off. 4) The bonding. 5)convenience. I am the bottle.

Breastfeeding in our current societal construct can be difficult, from lack of understanding to lack of support. It can also be super cost effective (free food!)and a beautiful experience. I'm really glad I've been able to do it. So, if you're considering it, try it. If you're not, that's cool too. Fed is best.

If you need support or have questions, I'm here. I also know a great doula to refer you to.

God is good

A snippet from a convo at work, in reference to the devastation from Hurricane Harvey:

Coworker (sarcastically): And they say "God is good", hmph!
Me (matter of factly): God is good, people just make poor life decisions!

The coworker went on to say God was like a child with a magnifying glass looking at ants. I just shook my head and said, not my God.

And I'm writing this because I know this coworker enough to say he's experienced a lot of hurt and some hardships. And I can say the same. But through it all, I can still say God is good because even with those things, I am here and prospering. Not necessarily because I  am a good person or I deserve it, but because God really is good. And for clarity, prosperity doesn't mean I don't have challenges or struggles, but I am lacking nothing.

This brings me to my point, a misunderstanding of what it is to be good and a misunderstanding of what love and what God's will is for man. Jesus said, none but God is good, and Jesus is the pattern! 1 Corinthians 13 tells us what love is. And Jeremiah 29:11 tells us that God means us well and to give us hope and a future. The Bible also says God chastens those whom he loves and if you are not corrected, you are a bastard and not a son.

This is truth. Selah.

Bitter Pill

I take a sip
Still my voice
If I said more
I'd be met with remorse

So I take a gulp
Swallow slow
The rage that bubbles up
When something else hits me low

I sometimes feel low
on the totem pole
But I can't let it show
I'm struggling so much
But you wouldn't know

The bitter pill
Of inadequacy
It hits my blood
Filters through my veins
And threatens to overtake me

Bearers of Life

Just reflecting on the wonder of the human body and what God gives us the ability to do. We are literally bearers of life. We (women), with the help of our male counterparts, can conceive and create life. How amazing is that? If God wanted, He could have made it so man could not reproduce himself, but since we are made in His image, He also gave us creative power. Muse on that. I think we take it far too lightly when a woman has a baby or the terrible loss she must experience when that baby does not make it, either through miscarriage or stillbirth or worse still, that child that a woman carried, loved, and raised, is murdered. We take LIFE too lightly. Let us appreciate and respect life and one another and what it took for us to even get here. It is AMAZING and MIRACULOUS. Each of us is a walking miracle. Ok, enough philosophical musings - have a blessed day!

Who am I now?

This is the question I've been asking myself for a while. In the last 4 years I became a wife, then a homeowner, then a mother just 4 months ago. So much has changed and I don't recognize the woman before me at times. I've changed so much. My life has changed so much, but at the same time, I'm unsure what life was like before my son's arrival. I also can't imagine life without him. I love more, worry more, plan more, and want more out of my life since he got here. I never thought I could love a person so much!

But as for me? I am unsure of what Tiffany looks like in this new reality. I know I'm skinny and my stomach looks like a deflated balloon😂, but in all seriousness, this new reality seems to mandate a new approach.

I've recently gone back to work and hats off to the work wives and mothers out there. It's hard. My day starts at 5 and doesnt end until close to midnight. I only get to spend time with my son and husband for about 5 or 6 of my waking hours Monday-Friday and sometimes less than that depending on what's going on. And I can't help but think - there must be more to life than work, rinse, and repeat. The saving grace is that I do work from home half the time, or else, it would possibly by less.

So what's the new approach? In the midst of what could be chaos, find peace in the Lord and not be wasteful with time.

Trust the Process

There has been so much change in my life over the past few months and I have changed so much...I barely recognize myself. I became a mother and this little boy showed me a whole 'nother side of love. He is beautiful and happy and good natured. Nursing him has helped me lose about 60 pounds. I also recently lost my great grandma. I think because I had her so long and in my mind, I know she's with God, I didn't realize how hard it would be to lose her.

So, I welcomed new life and had to say goodbye to parts of who I was. And this stripping has been so hard. I'm trying to figure out who this new woman is. This woman, no longer a girl, not just a wife, but now a mother. How do I balance it all? I'm also preparing to go back to work too. I took it for granted that women just do all this stuff, but never considered the heart wrenching decisions and worries that come with it.

I'm just at the place where I must trust God. Because of my past, I see that I have trouble with trust due to so much disappointment. God has never disappointed me, but I had been hanging on to the anxiety that comes from lack of trust or stability. Now, more change is occurring, more digging, and I must trust the process.

Transition

Yesterday evening I got a phone call from my mother. Part of me thought I should wait to call back, but I did anyway. I asked her how she was and she said she could be better, and had some bad news. I automatically asked, "Who passed?" She told me it was my great grandma. The tears began to fall.

No matter how you try to prepare yourself, it's always hard. This woman was my first exposure to someone who was saved and baptized with the Holy Spirit with evidence of speaking in tongues. She was an intercessor. Always warring in prayer over us. Over me. She loved God and she loved people. But as her great granddaughter, I am so thankful I can say I come from a woman like her and she loved me. Before I knew how to pray for myself, I'd call and ask her to pray for me. And it worked.

She has other great grands and even great great grands, and each of us had a special relationship with her. I can only speak for me. Her house was a safe place. I'd go to church with her whenever I stayed over. It was oppressively hot in the summer, but since she was the frozen cup/ candy lady, I always had access to a cold, sweet treat. Going to great grandma's house meant fried fish and store brand corn flakes. It was sweet potato pies and collard greens. It was a smile from the sweetest woman I've known. Summers meant bus trips with her church on a chartered bus with fried chicken, Wonder Bread, and fresh fruit. We went to Niagara Falls, Chicago, Detroit, Atlanta, Orlando...and many more places I can't remember. She was strong. She worked well into her 80s. She was the oldest of child of sharecroppers, just one generation or so removed from slavery. She was of 11 children. The only thing that slowed her down was the stroke she had almost exactly two years ago. I saw her just before the stroke then and I saw her just two weeks ago before Easter. I am thankful. She got to see my first child. I will never forget the moment I knelt down with him in my arms. She looked at him and he looked at her. I remember thinking, I wish someone could get a picture. She was tired and out of it, but she was awake long enough to see him. I'm so glad she stayed long enough to meet him.

 I'll miss her smile and how her face lit up whenever she saw me. I'll miss holding her hand. I'll miss her white hair. I'll miss her laugh. I'll miss her voice. I'll miss her sense of humor, which was sharp and present until the end.I am thankful. Even as I cry and my heart hurts, it's only because I won't see her alive on this side of heaven again.

Baby Kyrie!

As my son sleeps in my arms, I am overwhelmed with thankfulness, love, and panic that I'm not asleep too! LOL

This will be brief: Kyrie arrived February 4. He was a big boy, weighing 8 lbs and 7oz. He was 21.5 inches long! He came out alert and pretty calm. I will always remember the peace between us as he looked at me and I looked at him. He is pretty amazing and humbling to look at and know God allowed me to have a hand in creation.

I have more to say on my first few weeks of parenthood, but suffice it to say - I'm totally in love with my little boy!

39 Weeks and Some Change

So...to be honest, I thought I might be telling you about how I feel about holding my new son. Well, I'm still pregnant! 🤔😂 A friend reminded me that someone prayed or prophesied my son would be full term and apparently, Kyrie took that all the way to heart😁

I am feeling uncomfortable today, but overall, I can't complain. God has been more than awesome and merciful throughout this pregnancy. I can say (now from experience), every pregnancy is different, but it's SO helpful to have friends who have been through it. They have been such a blessing to me and have talked me down at times where I felt like I was going to fall off the ledge.

First, at the beginning, I honestly thought I'd be able to continue everything as normal. My body said no to that. I had spotting in the first few weeks of my pregnancy at both 11 weeks and 13 weeks. At that point, one of my girlfriends reminded me what God said and that I had to trust him. And at both sonogram, I saw my baby hanging out, swimming and kicking. To this day, never found the source of the bleed. But baby and I are fine and that's all that matters. And by the way, for anyone reading, it's really common and most women with spotting go on to have healthy babies.

The other lesson? Some women's bodies will allow them to continue as if they are not growing a tiny human. For other women, the body reacts differently and you have to listen to it. You may be that woman whose able to run 5 miles a day throughout your pregnancy or you may be the woman who needs to take it easy for the welfare of you and your baby. It's ok, either way.

Once I hit second trimester, I began to cruise. I had my appetite back as well as my energy. Then, as I entered my last trimester, I tested slightly high on the gestational diabetes test. I had to go back and take the longer, 3 hr test. And wouldn't  you know it, I have Type 2 diabetes, at least for the duration of this pregnancy. I felt bad, thinking of the fruit snacks I had and what I may have done wrong...turns out, gestational diabetes is also fairly common. One of my good friends had it and was able to really comfort me and talk me through it. And she is fine now - no diabetes! My stepmother (who is diabetic) was also able to break down why some pregnant women develop gestational diabetes, and I realized it wasn't my fault.

I had to see an educator and dietician and it was extremely helpful. It has really made me look at food and how I eat, differently. I am also able to control it without medication, which is another blessing. It's sometimes difficult because I have to watch what I eat carefully and check my blood sugar 4 times a day. I do intend to take what I have learned and apply it after Kyrie's birth.