My Birthday

So, Monday was my birthday and today was my last day of graduate school. It's been a week of milestones and I am feeling very thankful. I took this picture today and in general I'm just feeling very good about the future and about me!

My Wrestling

It has been a little while since I have written.  Honestly, I've been going through a lot.  I have been wrestling with myself, asking God, "Who am I?  Who am I in You?"  I have been frustrated at times with myself.  I'm like that kid that can't wait to grow up, except I have the levity to know that growing up too fast could mean large gaps in one's development.  In the natural, I think it's safe to say in a lot of things, I'm a fast learner - it comes fairly easily.  I may not even have to put in as much effort as the next person.  However, when it comes to spiritual things, I have to go through every gate.  There is no short cut or quick anything, not unless God wants it to be so.  And therein lies the lesson.  I am being forced to slow down and gain mastery.  There is no cramming in the Kingdom.

I have always wrestled with who I thought I should be, who I wanted to be, and what was actually before me.  But now, I'm not sure if I really looked deep enough to appreciate what is already there.  Sometimes the key is to let go and let God do His work.  I think it's important  that I, we, stop looking with our eyes and look through the mirror of the Word.  We are so much more beautiful than we could ever imagine.

Changes

So, I cut my hair again.  And usually me cutting my hair is synonymous with other changes taking place in my life.  It's safe to say that I'm going through a period of change, purging, and rebirthing. 

I'll say that it's hard.  I am 27 years old and I feel like I'm learning me all over.  The truth is, I am.  I'll share with you what I find.  It takes pressure to turn coal into a diamond.  Well, here we go...

The Joy of My Salvation

It's been a little while since I've updated and I've had this scripture swirling around in my head for a little while. I finally decided to look it up and get the exact wording:

Psa 51:12 (KJV)
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me [with thy] free spirit.

and another related one:

Hab 3:18 (KJV)
Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation.

If you've seen the movie "Brown Sugar", Sanaa Lathan's character asks, "When did you fall in love with hip hop?" I want to pose that same question to Christians. When did you fall in love with Jesus? Do you remember what it was like?

I remember clearly when I fell in love. I was at church and the pastor gave those in the congregation an opportunity to give their life to the Lord. And I stood up and went up to the front. He asked me if I was sure and I felt such an urgency, but also a calm about it. I was sure. And my life changed forever. Before that, I knew of Jesus. I wanted to know more. But when I finally started to establish a relationship, I fell in love quickly. I could have had the worst night sleep ever, but I woke up with a peace and a joy that is hard to explain. I can liken it to falling in love in the natural sense, but it's so much better. There is a peace in this relationship. There's not the anxiety of "will he still like me if I do or don't do xyz?" It is truly awesome. Being drunk in the spirit is far better than any kind of alcohol on the shelves. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you betta ask somebody!

I was on cloud nine for weeks. And then, as time goes on, the high wears off and the reality of "yes" begins to present itself. Jesus is still as awesome as the day you fell in love, but this thing becomes real. The fact that your life is and must be different becomes evident. Sometimes challenges come. You begin to go through growing pains. The expression "born again" is actually appropriate. You feel like a child again. You have to learn virtually everything all over. All that was established in you has to be torn up and reconstructed. The foundation has to be laid anew. And this is hard. I am personally going through that right now.

I am discovering that I am very stubborn. Some things were relatively easy for me to give over to God and let Him do His thing. Other things, not so much. Letting God dig up those sewage tanks inside of you is painful and stinky. LOL. He begins to expose those things that are funky and need to be removed, cleansed, and healed. You feel like naked, like every thing is magnified. I think this is probably normal. I also believe that while some people can sense you're going through something, that God covers you. I am writing this as much for myself as for anyone else who may read - let Him pour that peroxide on your wounds. Yes it stings and it some cases, it even stinks :-), but you've got to let Him clean you out. He loves us. He wants us to be complete in Him. He wants us to be comfortable in our own skin and He wants us to appreciate that each of us is His very own unique creation. Not one of us was a mistake. Not one.

Rediscover that joy in the midst of your growing pains. Pray about it. God never stopped being God. The joy doesn't have to stop. Be blessed and know that you are not alone.

Tears of Healing

This weekend, I visited with family and it brought up a lot of emotions. One of the events that it brought up was the death of my nephew 7 years ago. This morning, I allowed myself to think it and the tears came. And the sniffles turned into sobs and the sobs turned into me being hunched over bawling. I still battle with what I was taught as a child - that tears are a sign of weakness. When it comes to intercessory prayer, tears don't bother me, but when it comes to the other things, things that I have buried deep inside and that I try to keep God from even getting to - I try to keep my emotions in check. So, He caught me while my guard was down. The thing that hurt so much about my nephew's death was that I didn't really know him. I had just begun to build a relationship with my brother (my dad's son from a previous relationship) and he was sent overseas. My brother took his family along. I remember vividly - I was hanging out with my brother and my nephew was there and he hugged me so tight. And I remember thinking how when they came back, I looked forward to getting to know him better. A year later or so after they left, my nephew died. At the funeral, I felt like I didn't have a right to cry, I didn't have a right to be really upset because I did not know him. But this morning, I realized that I was so hurt because I never would. He was 10. I never really dealt with it I guess. After the funeral, I went back to college. I focused on my studies. I guess I compartmentalized it. But nearly every time I am reminded, my throat tightens and my eyes well up.

I don't say all this to get a sympathy response. I say all this to acknowledge that we all have things, deep hurts, that we sweep under the rug. Maybe we feel like we don't have a right to feel anything about it or maybe we feel that it's not really a big deal or we should just get over it because it has happened and it's done...but whatever it is, I want to let you know that it is acceptable to cry. In fact, it is necessary. Allowing ourselves to feel those emotions can be VERY painful, but I believe that those tears are key to our releasing and then healing from those situations. God wants to lift the proverbial rug up and expose those stains, the cracks, and the holes that it was covering up. So let those tears out. Look at all that bottled up hurt and pain as an anchor. It is holding you down and keeping you from ascending to that next level spiritually and in the natural. Come forth with your "broken and contrite" heart and leave your burdens at Jesus' feet. Let Him into those places that you previously kept off limits. Be encouraged - you are not alone.

Dare to Be Different

Good morning all! Before I start off my day, I just wanted to share some thoughts I'm having this morning. I was thinking about how I've always felt different from everyone else, you know? And I'm not talking about some teenage, "me against the world", nobody understands me drama that I think we all go through at some point during puberty. I'm talking about from the time I could remember, like at four. It's hard to describe...for my 80s babies, do you remember this show called "Square Pegs"? It starred Sarah Jessica Parker and she and her best friend were kind of geeks and outcasts. Let me just say I was always kind of the "square peg" in my family, but it was encouraged. My family saw that I was very quick witted and intelligent and they encouraged it by teaching me how to read early, by getting me speech therapy (I had a speech impediment), by drilling into my head that I should go to college. I thought getting straight As was cool and I read a lot, drew a lot, wrote poetry and stories - all the things that separated me from many of my peers. And a lot of my poetry was spiritually centered - at ten. Given all these things, I'd try to fit in and it generally failed. I had friends, but they were usually square pegs too, in their own way. I got teased by those outside of that circle and as I got older, I got more introverted. I got to the point where I was the "quiet" girl in school. If you really knew...I'm actually a chatterbox. I began to stifle myself, humble myself, try to draw as little attention to myself as possible - all in an effort to navigate adolescence and come out on the other side. I would allow myself to shine in academia, but when I'd try to go outside by joining pom squad, track, drama club - I would never get picked, so I'd shrink back and go back into my shell. My value became based on my intelligence and not much else. I thought if people knew all of me and not just the face I put on for the world, they wouldn't receive me.

I remember going to Young Writers at Kenyon College...it was a golden time for me. I got a glimpse of the real me. It was one time that I felt like I belonged and guess what...all these other people, some were the football jocks, the class clowns, the popular girls, the emos, the model chicks - and the one thing we had in common? Writing. Even these people were square pegs too, the difference is, they embraced it. That was the summer before my senior year of high school. I decided that I would go away to college and I decided that my senior year, I was going to be me - all of me, and just see what happened. And guess what? Being me was enough. And I went to college and I started to push past my fear of rejection. Sometimes I was received and sometimes I was not, but I began to embrace me a little bit more.

My point in sharing all this with you is this - you are different and set apart for a reason. All those times that you may have experienced rejection or felt out of place in your own skin...it's okay. As awful as it may have been, it served a purpose. It's not up to the world to love you. It's up to you to love you, all of you. Embrace who you are, capitalize on it. There is something that God put in you that the world is in need of or just ONE person in the world may need to see. Do not stifle the gift in you. Do not camouflage YOU. You not only deny others that need to see that it's okay to be different, you deny yourself. At 27 years old, I'm just beginning to peak out from the cage I allowed my fear of being different to put me in. So let me reintroduce myself - I'm quirky, loving, sincere, sometimes a little obnoxious, goofy, self-conscious, and even dare I say - different. I will joke with you one moment and pray for you the next. I can be brutally honest and very sweet. And I am a work in progress. I may have something to offer you on an individual level and I have some thing I need to share with the world. And so do you. Peace with who you are, who you are becoming is an unbelievable gift that is available to all that will embrace their idiosyncrasies.

Leaving behind the old man (or woman)

One of the things that I sometimes struggle with as a neophyte in Christ is leaving behind the old things. There are times where you feel like you're doing well - walking in this new found purpose and reveling in the feeling of being a new creation. Then there are other times where you feel old things, however small, beckon you or you even feel yourself slipping backward. Examples include your thought pattern or even the things you expose yourself to on television. Many people do not realize how the things, places, and sometimes people you expose yourself to - can be a detriment. In 1 Peter, the Lord says "Be holy, as I am holy". Holy means to be sanctified, consecrated, set apart. This means that you may spend some evenings in the house with your Bible open versus out watching the latest "exorcism of so and so". I'm being a little dramatic, but the feeling of knowing you are either watching something, being in a place, or around people you should not is often not worth it.

Take heart, don't beat yourself up if you feel like you've made a slight detour to the left. There's room to straighten up. God knows who you are. He knows you may fall 6 times before you walk the 7th. We are so critical of ourselves that we can drive ourselves away thinking that we've failed. The blood of Jesus sealed all that stuff up and it is as strong today as it was over 2,000 years ago. When you confessed that Jesus is Lord and you received the Holy Spirit, you were made new. What you must deal with now is the residue of the old you. Pray, read your word, and keep good people close - these all help to renew your mind. And yes, this still applies even if you find yourself in bed with your ex, if you said a gazillion cuss words today aloud or(in your head), if you gossipped, etc. One thing I'm learning is that God will hang in there with you, you just have to make sure you hang in there with Him. Let go of the old you and embrace what He has for you. It's different and it's not easy to obtain, but I believe it's worth it.

Poem - Where Only God Remains

Just a poem I wrote that's the opening to a book I'm working on. Enjoy!

Where Only God Remains

I want to go to a place
A place where only God remains
A place where I am named His
And I am whole
And I am healed

I want to go to a place
Where only God remains
Because I am the reason His Son was slain
Because of Him, I no longer hold any blame

I want to be free
To be all He made me to be
Not a slave to circumstance
Not bound by wrong romance
I want Him to be my King
I want it to be
just He and Me

Because I know
That the Father, Son, and Spirit
Are enough
I wish the world could believe

Sometimes I grieve
And I fight against the healing taking place in me
I groan
And the tears fall
And He puts me back together again

In those moments of vulnerability
It is just He and Me
And I reach that place where everything is out
In a pile of defilement
Laid at His feet
And this is the place
When I am emptied and pleading to be filled
That only God remains

The Wilderness Experience

I had this on my mind earlier and I pulled out some scriptures and studied a bit. Here's my take on it:

There are points when it feels like you are in the wilderness, with no one to lean on. It feels like no one understands what you are going through and during these periods it can seem like opposition comes from the most unlikely of places, like family or friends. And I don’t mean outright opposition either, but just people looking at you sideways when you talk about church or spiritual things. I was going through a “wilderness experience” and a friend of mine gave me these two scriptures:

Matthew 10:34 – 38 (KJV)
“Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to set a man at variance against his father and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household. He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me. And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me.”

Luke 12:51 – 53 (NIV)
“Do you think I came to bring peace on earth? No, I tell you, but division. From now on there will be five in one family divided against each other, three against two and two against three. They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother in law against daughter in law and daughter in law against mother in law.”

I will focus on Matthew 10:34 – 38. Jesus is speaking in both these scriptures and they are both touching on the same thing. When you grab onto Him, others lose their grip on you. And therein lies the division. Literally, if you are the only saved person in your family, Jesus in your life can cause division. Simply put, you start to see differently: relationships, situations, the world. You don’t want to do the things you used to do. You may find yourself getting irritated when a rapper you used to rock for comes on the radio. You may find yourself cringing when you hear friends or family members using foul language. As a result, they may criticize you, backbite, or have an antagonistic attitude toward you when you are around. This is a part of taking up your cross in pursuit of Jesus.

Micah 7:5 – 7 (NKJV)
“Do not trust in a friend; do not put your confidence in a companion; Guard the doors of your mouth from her who lies in your bosom. For son dishonors father, daughter rises against her mother, daughter in law against her mother in law; A man’s enemies are the men of his own household. Therefore I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation; My God will hear me.”

I don’t think this means that you can’t trust any person, but it does mean that primarily, you should turn to the Lord for that relationship, for that love, for that trust. Because God provides us with discernment, we will know which people we can hold close to us. However, as we go through the process of forming a relationship with God and learning to discern (through prayer and study of the word), it may seem like at times we are in the wilderness – without family and without friends. It is in this place where we feel divided from the world and in some ways from ourselves and it is here that we come face to face with the Lord. It is here that we decide whether we will continue to walk or run back. And I wish I could say it only happens once in your walk, but I can already say I have had several wilderness experiences. This can occur even if you have a strong support system – you can still feel all alone in your struggle. It is important in these times to remember to “look to the Lord” as Micah instructs and wait on Him. God’s hand will not waver and He will not leave you. God loved us enough to give us Jesus and to give His only begotten Son, to secure a place for us in heaven. If He did all that, surely, He’ll guide you through your wilderness experiences and you will emerge stronger than before.

God's New Foundation

At my church, we believe in corporate ministry.  This means that usually 2 or 3 members of the congregation are asked to give a 10 minute word each Sunday.  This is encourages us to study and also gives us a peak at what goes into ministry.  And let me tell you, it's no joke.  Anyway, this was my word from two weeks ago.  I enjoyed studying it out and it means a lot to me because well, I'm living it.

Title: God’s New Foundation

I want to talk about two things, the foundation that man attempts to lay in us and the foundation that God seeks to lay in us.  This is something God has been dealing with me about – the old foundation and the new one He is laying.

Opening scripture: Isaiah 28:16 –

Therefore thus saith the Lord GOD, Behold, I lay in Zion for a foundation a stone, a tried stone, a precious corner [stone], a sure foundation: he that believeth shall not make haste.

Let us start with a definition of foundation:

Foundation – S.C. H3245 (Isa. 28:16) yasad (GK: 3569 & 3570). To lay a foundation, establish, ordain, to be founded; to associate, conspire [together]; appointed, instructed, laid, set, sure foundation.

God wants to establish you, ordain you, found you, associate with you, conspire together with you, appoint you, instruct you, be laid within you, set you (or stabilize you), and put a sure foundation in place.

Corner [stone] – S.C. 6438 (Isa. 28:16) pinna; corner (of a structure), cornerstone (as a crucial element); stronghold; by extension: leader – corner; chief, towers, bulwarks, stay

Peter later quoted this scripture:

1 Peter 2: 4 – 8 (KJV)

To whom coming, as unto a living stone, disallowed indeed of men, but chosen of God, and precious, ye also as lively stones, are built up a spiritual house, a holy priesthood, to offer up spiritual sacrifices, acceptable to God by Jesus Christ.  Wherefore, also it is contained in the scripture, Behold, I lay in Sion a chief corner stone, elect, precious: and he that believeth on him shall not be confounded.  Unto you therefore which believe he is precious: but unto them which be disobedient, the stone which the builders disallowed, the same is made the head of the corner, and a stone of stumbling, and a rock of offence, even to them which stumble at the word being disobedient: whereunto also they are appointed.

In order for God to build His house (you), He must first be sure that you have a strong foundation for Him to build upon.

Referring back to Isaiah, Zion is the church or us.  The corner stone is Jesus – Isaiah was speaking prophetically to Israel regarding the coming Messiah.  Jesus is that which holds us together, the crucial element or stay.

Literally, Isaiah is saying the Lord is laying a new foundation for his people, [Jesus] who will establish, ordain, found, associate, conspire with us, appoint us, instruct us, be laid in us, settle us, and be that sure foundation.  He says that the people that believe [in Jesus], will not run from God.

Peter uses the same scripture in to encourage God’s people while traveling through lands that included Galatia after Jesus’ resurrection, then contrasts with the people of the world that rejected Jesus that the very stone that holds together those that believe in Him will become a stumbling block for those who do not believe.

In John 5:24, Jesus says: “ Truly, truly, I say to you,  he who hears my word, and believes Him who sent Me, has eternal life, and does not come into judgment, but has passed out of death into life” (NASB)

Passed in John 5:24 is the Greek word, metabaino which means to change base (or foundation) from death to life.

To make it practical, when we confess that Jesus is Lord, our old foundation crumbles and dies and we are born into life and the new foundation begins to be put in place. 

So how is this new foundation laid? 

In Luke 6:46 – 49 (KJV), Jesus asks:

And why call ye me, Lord, Lord and do not the things which I say?  Whosoever cometh to me, and heareth my sayings and doeth them, I will shew you to whom he is like:  he is like a man which built a house and digged deep, and laid the foundation on a rock:  and when the flood  arose, the stream beat vehemently upon that house, and could not shake it: for it was founded upon a rock.  But he that heareth, and doeth not, is like a man that without a foundation built a house upon the earth; against which the stream did beat vehemently, and immediately it fell; and the ruin of that house was great.

So, God laying his new foundation in you involves you doing three things:  coming to Him, hearing the word, and doing the word or walking it out.  If you do these things, you allow God to dig deep and build his house upon that rock, who is Jesus and when the storms come and the floods rise, you will STAND. 

In closing, Proverbs 8:32-35: “Now then, my sons, listen to me: blessed are those who keep my ways, Listen to my instruction and be wise; do not ignore it.  Blessed is the man who listens to me, watching daily at my doors, waiting at my doorway.  For whoever finds me finds life and receives favor from the Lord.”

The Beginning

Blogging isn't new for me.  I used to maintain a livejournal for years and when I had a MySpace, I documented a lot there in regard to my life - my poetry, my college experiences, boyfriends, and heartbreaks.  I deleted it all because I wanted to start with a fresh slate.  I went through a long period of not writing anything because I wasn't sure what I wanted to say anymore.  Looking back, all my poems had a common theme - longing.  Usually it centered around romantic love, longing for something deeper, better, more permanent.  And then something happened - my life changed.  I got tired.  I got tired of being in relationships and training men to be some other woman's husband.  I got tired of dating people who were often not as into me as I was into them.  I got tired of being afraid of my own shadow.  I got tired of the anxiety.  I got tired of finding myself in the same place over and over - broken, feeling betrayed, with the ever present gaping hole in my heart. 

I could say I found God and everything was good, but I'd be lying.  There's a funny thing about saying "Yes".  I agree that I have a peace that I never had in my life prior.  There is a joy in me that I cannot describe.  I smile more, laugh more, love more.  And yes, it was a man that filled that void.  But his name was not David, Alonzo, or Brian.  His name is Jesus.  And He rocks my socks!  However, the flip side is that when you say "yes" to Jesus, you also say "no" to the world.  Many who are still there can't comprehend it.  The very thing that becomes your "corner stone" and "sure foundation" (Isaiah 28:16) becomes a "rock of offence" (I Peter 2:8) for others.

In this blog, I'll share about my life and I'll share my poetry and maybe a word or two.  At this point, I'm in a state of being reconstructed.  I am being rebuilt from the ground up.  I've been saved for nearly 2 years, but still this is only the beginning...