If He Wants You, He'll Marry You

I was talking with my husband the other day and I asked him, "Do you ever feel like we got married too fast?" And he looked at me like I had two heads and said, "No, I asked you, remember?" LOL

His response actually made me feel good as well as smile because he seemed incredulous at the idea. In the world's time, I guess it would seem quick. We started forming a friendship in January,  started spending time with one another in April, officially started dating in August, said I love you in November and were talking about marriage in December. By the following April, we were married.

He and I continued to talk, and one thing he said really stuck out - "I knew I wanted you, so I married you." I believe and I have seen - if a man really wants you, he'll be willing to marry you. Women are valuable. I think the message in the world has gone so far from that, but we are. Now, I am speaking from a Christian perspective, but since I wasn't always a Christian, I can say I didn't believe this as a young woman and I wish I had. We are not thots, we are not whores, we don't have to drop it, twerk it, or twist it to get a man to marry us. We are beautiful and worthy of love and respect.

This Beautiful Walk

I am on the train on my commute home and I randomly thought of my wedding. It was a beautiful day, but I remember thinking late in the planning process that maybe I should have just taken one of my husband's suggestions and gone away for our wedding.

This Christian walk is beautiful, at times painful, even tragic. It is amazing, fun, rewarding, and full of blessings beyond anything you could think of. At times, it can even seem lonely and downright boring. And I would not change a thing.

How does this relate to my wedding? My walk in Christ and my relationship to even some family members that may not necessarily be in agreement with my walk, affected decisions I had to make. This is the kind of thing I think it is impossible to consider when we say yes to Jesus. I never thought some people would not be happy about my decision to give my life to Christ.

Now I realize that when you meet the real Jesus, you must change and frankly, others may prefer the old you. The you that was easily manipulated and controlled, the you that would ride or die on a Friday night,  the you who didn't believe you were special,  the you who hit the strip club, the you that didn't shine a light on their lives that shows all the shadows. This you, the reconstructed you, is unrecognizable and even jarring.

By doing what I thought would be best for my nerves, my mind, and my spirit - I hurt some feelings. And I had my feelings hurt. And the beautiful thing about this walk, is that one of your primary objectives is to please God. Each time we find ourselves torn, pray for wisdom, but do what pleases God. And you know what? On that day, I would not have changed a thing. There was peace, joy, love, and fun!

Pressure

Today, I was/am feeling a lot of pressure. In my mind today, I was just like "Jesus, why?" I've really been trying to press into You, really trying to make sure time spent in prayer and worship is a priority...I felt like I hadn't been praying enough or long enough, and I started to feel insecure. But God reminded me, you deal with additional push back when you are doing what you're supposed to do. Funny that I've been reading James 1 all week -

James 1:2-4 ESV

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

So if you are experiencing pressure, divers trials (in the KJV), count it all joy! God is perfecting us, not punishing us. He wants us to be complete and lacking no thing.

A Point of Division

There's been a lot of multiplication happening amongst some women in my life - friends having children and in some cases, even grandchildren. It's exciting and beautiful and it gets me thinking about becoming a mother one day. For once in my life, I'm not scared to death of getting pregnant, but nervous and happy about the possibility. I see how beautiful and precious these babies are and I start thinking of how my child may look and what he or she may look like one day. I never saw myself becoming this lady, but here she is. Don't get me wrong - part of me is also nervous. Because of how I grew up, because of what I experienced, because I know what is in the world. I keep thinking, Lord, how can I raise a well-adjusted child who knows You, understands the truth, and how can I not be so overprotective that I don't suffocate him or her?

I remember some aspects of the child I was and I'm sorry I lost some of it as early as I did.  How do I nurture this person and allow this person to become who God wants them to be and not who I want them to be? I believe that's what happened to some us - we got caught up in what others wanted to mold us into, what people thought we should be, and then we grew up and had to figure out who and what we really were. I didn't really begin to unwrap that into I came to Christ. No, I'm not pregnant yet, but these are things I think about and consider.

I sometimes think about my own relationship with my mother. It is distant. It is not warm. It's embarrassing when I'm asked how she is because she doesn't call me and I don't really call her either. When I do talk to her, I initiate it, but  it's not like talking to a parent. It's really difficult to explain.

A few weeks ago, I just doubled over in tears in the shower. The Lord was talking to me about how I keep the women in my life at arms length. There are wonderful women in my life that love me. That could be that warmth to me. But I have difficulty receiving it. I sometimes outright reject it. I may let them get close, but I'm scared to let them into my heart. Because that's where it can hurt. That's where it still aches. So I don't. I let them hug me, but I won't let them in the innermost place. I won't let a true, deep bond form. Because I remember what it felt like when I saw that bond fall off the shelf and shatter at my feet. Even though the dish was warped, it was all I had. It was twisted and had cracks, but it's all I knew. I am still a work in progress. Once a person or act is forgiven, it no longer has a hold on you. I think forgiveness is progressive. I think we have to make a decision to forgive every day. Sometimes we have to forgive again what we forgave yesterday. 490 times a day, if necessary.

I did a word search of mother in the Bible. I can't tell you how many times it shows up. In the Hebrew, the phonetic translation is ame (H517). It means mother: a. of humans, b. of Deborah's relationship to the people (figuratively), c. of animals - but it can also mean a point of departure or division. The Strong's definition says - it is a primitive word; a mother (as the bond of the family); in a wide sense (both literally and figuratively); like H1, the Hebrew word awb, - dam, mother, parting.

The part I found interesting is a mother being a point of departure or division or parting. We literally depart our mother through the womb, but I also think our mothers may be a point of division between the old life and the new. As a mother, women have the ability to birth a new thing. A new life - hope, a seed. No matter what happened before, this birth can be the point of partition. Where the old thing ends and the new thing begins. One plants, one waters, but God...HE provides the increase.

So I end with this - as children of the King, we cannot mourn our leaving Egypt, we cannot be as Lot's wife and look back. In reality, Jesus was the true point of departure or division. His blood cut us off from the life we would have had outside of him. Our lineage is of no consequence because our lineage now begins with Him. I know I still have some forgiving to do and I know it will be continuous. And I also know one day, it will be all "gone" as a wise friend once told me. In the meantime, I have to go about the business of loving those who love me as well as those who don't. That's part of being a follower of Christ.