What Type of Mom Did You Think You'd Be?

While I was pregnant with my son, I don't remember having a definite plan for how I planned to parent or the "type" of mom I'd be. I just remember wanting to a)be better than what I may have experienced and b)to be a conscientious parent and not to do what necessarily makes life easier for me, but what makes life BETTER for him (the two are not always synonymous). That being said, I've turned out to be far more "granola" than I imagined. I'm still pumping and breastfeeding.😩😂My son will be 1 in about a week and a half.😍

I worry if I'm helping him be the most independent, strong, smart, caring little person  he can be. So far, he's showing signs of growing independence and overall, he's a happy little guy  - so I think those are good signs. Will I make mistakes? Yep, already have. Am I already taking notes on what I'd tweak with child 2? Yes indeed. But it's ok. I'm glad to be intentional is most everything I do concerning him.

So, what kind of parent did you think you'd be?

More on Parenthood: My Perspective

If you've read my blog for awhile, to some degree you know me better than most. One thing I don't talk about much is my relationship with my mom, which is admittedly not awesome. It's barely existent.

But I'll pause on that. I was thinking about my own experience as a parent, and parenthood is really a gift. A really big responsibility and really hard at times, but I wouldn't trade it. Which makes it harder for me to understand or excuse how I was treated as a child.

Disclaimer: No parent is perfect, I get it. But, to make your child feel like a burden, to call them names, break them down mentally or to just not be emotionally available...that's not okay. Saying or doing things which make your  child feel insecure or inadequate, that's not okay. It is in children to want to please their parents. It's not our job to use that innate desire against them.

I have grown up more in these few months of parenthood than I thought possible. I don't sleep through the night anymore, I get bitten, screamed at, thrown up on, peed on, and that's just the baby. 😂 But I love this tiny human so much that none of those small inconveniences matter.

I respect those who made the decision not to become parents. But if you do, know it's as much about being prepared inwardly as outwardly. You can be poor and your child won't realize until later, but they will recognize being well loved. Just like if they're fortunate enough to understand being loved well later, they'll recognize when they haven't been loved properly.

My goal as a parent and my husband as well, is to raise a loved, loving , secure, well-balanced, God-fearing, respectful human being. Even if it's not always fun, even if we don't feel like it - that's what we signed up for.

Life After Birth

Forgive the location, but there was a full length mirror present.  I've really been thinking on my life as a mom and how it's changed so much about me - physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. This shows the outward - when I got pregnant, I weighed 200 lbs. I gained 20 during my pregnancy and now I hover around 173. I'm being really transparent because I feel like not enough people talk openly about what the body goes through to make a human. In my case, my son was the come up! But my tummy is still getting together and looks like an etch a sketch😂😂, but I respect what my body has done and am thankful to be a part of God's creative process. My point? Work on loving you at every stage.

On Breastfeeding

I wanted to take a minute to write about what is presently a somewhat important, if not prevalent part of my life, and that's breastfeeding. Before you hold your breath, this is not a manifesto. I ascribe to the "Fed is best" ideology. You'll get no side-eyes from me if you say you couldn't or just don't want to. It's not like I come from a background of women who successfully did it. In fact, just the opposite. I was so accustomed to the idea of buying formula that breastfeeding was pretty foreign to me. I had one aunt who breastfed her children and I remember them being really big, solid, healthy babies.

Did that influence my decision to do it? To a small extent. I can't tell you a single factor that influenced my decision. Of my close friends with children, I think the majority actually did not. But enough did that it became more normal. I also liked the idea that my body is capable of not only housing a person, but also providing nutrition after birth. But I also had women who made disparaging comments about how they thought it was gross.

I went in saying I'd try and if for some reason I could not, there was no problem with formula. Then I got gestational diabetes. I read up on it and saw that my diabetes put my child at risk of developing it later. I also read that breastfeeding would subsequently cut that risk, for me developing Type II later and for my son. Another check in the box for breastfeeding.

I also saw the cost of formula. Another check in the box for breastfeeding.

There's also the bonding experience  (which let me note, also occurs with bottle feeding and skin to skin contact). Check for breastfeeding!

The reality? Every mother's experience is different. Say it with me! This is just mine and I hope itvis helpful and relatable! Initially, I almost gave up before I began because my son wasn't getting enough colostrum and lost a lot of weight. My milk came in on the third day. Then, what no one warned me about - cluster feeding. My son was all about getting his weight up. He fed almost nonstop from 2 am to 7 am for about 3 days. Bruh.😩

Then, there was the discomfort. Your body and specifically your breast/nipples, have to get used to a baby feeding from them. My nipples actually cracked, scabbed over, then acclimated. Nipple balm does help.

I nursed exclusively the first 4 weeks per the lactation consultants orders. I  was counting down the days until I could give my son the bottle. Then something happened. I got the hang of it. I found it easier to give him the breast than to pump (which I'll address in a minute). We developed a routine. And I got used to the idea of breastfeeding in general.

Now onto pumping - it feels nothing like a baby nursing. It is artificial and it's not relaxing in the way nursing can be. It kind of hurts and it can cause your nipples to swell and stretch a bit. Didn't know that either. Men often don't and can't appreciate the hassle of it and I understand why women used to be stay at home moms as a rule of thumb. I am fortunate. My office provides a wellness room which can be used by breastfeeding moms. The downside? It can also be used by sick coworkers who need to lie down.

Now, onto the benefits I've experienced 1) weight loss. This is not a guarantee, but it is a benefit some moms experience. 2)Nursing has a calming effect on most moms. It releases the feel good  hormone,  oxytocin. 3)Your milk changes composition to fit your child's needs. Your kid sick? Your milk will adjust to include extra antibodies to help them fight it off. 4) The bonding. 5)convenience. I am the bottle.

Breastfeeding in our current societal construct can be difficult, from lack of understanding to lack of support. It can also be super cost effective (free food!)and a beautiful experience. I'm really glad I've been able to do it. So, if you're considering it, try it. If you're not, that's cool too. Fed is best.

If you need support or have questions, I'm here. I also know a great doula to refer you to.

Bearers of Life

Just reflecting on the wonder of the human body and what God gives us the ability to do. We are literally bearers of life. We (women), with the help of our male counterparts, can conceive and create life. How amazing is that? If God wanted, He could have made it so man could not reproduce himself, but since we are made in His image, He also gave us creative power. Muse on that. I think we take it far too lightly when a woman has a baby or the terrible loss she must experience when that baby does not make it, either through miscarriage or stillbirth or worse still, that child that a woman carried, loved, and raised, is murdered. We take LIFE too lightly. Let us appreciate and respect life and one another and what it took for us to even get here. It is AMAZING and MIRACULOUS. Each of us is a walking miracle. Ok, enough philosophical musings - have a blessed day!

Who am I now?

This is the question I've been asking myself for a while. In the last 4 years I became a wife, then a homeowner, then a mother just 4 months ago. So much has changed and I don't recognize the woman before me at times. I've changed so much. My life has changed so much, but at the same time, I'm unsure what life was like before my son's arrival. I also can't imagine life without him. I love more, worry more, plan more, and want more out of my life since he got here. I never thought I could love a person so much!

But as for me? I am unsure of what Tiffany looks like in this new reality. I know I'm skinny and my stomach looks like a deflated balloon😂, but in all seriousness, this new reality seems to mandate a new approach.

I've recently gone back to work and hats off to the work wives and mothers out there. It's hard. My day starts at 5 and doesnt end until close to midnight. I only get to spend time with my son and husband for about 5 or 6 of my waking hours Monday-Friday and sometimes less than that depending on what's going on. And I can't help but think - there must be more to life than work, rinse, and repeat. The saving grace is that I do work from home half the time, or else, it would possibly by less.

So what's the new approach? In the midst of what could be chaos, find peace in the Lord and not be wasteful with time.

Baby Kyrie!

As my son sleeps in my arms, I am overwhelmed with thankfulness, love, and panic that I'm not asleep too! LOL

This will be brief: Kyrie arrived February 4. He was a big boy, weighing 8 lbs and 7oz. He was 21.5 inches long! He came out alert and pretty calm. I will always remember the peace between us as he looked at me and I looked at him. He is pretty amazing and humbling to look at and know God allowed me to have a hand in creation.

I have more to say on my first few weeks of parenthood, but suffice it to say - I'm totally in love with my little boy!

39 Weeks and Some Change

So...to be honest, I thought I might be telling you about how I feel about holding my new son. Well, I'm still pregnant! 🤔😂 A friend reminded me that someone prayed or prophesied my son would be full term and apparently, Kyrie took that all the way to heart😁

I am feeling uncomfortable today, but overall, I can't complain. God has been more than awesome and merciful throughout this pregnancy. I can say (now from experience), every pregnancy is different, but it's SO helpful to have friends who have been through it. They have been such a blessing to me and have talked me down at times where I felt like I was going to fall off the ledge.

First, at the beginning, I honestly thought I'd be able to continue everything as normal. My body said no to that. I had spotting in the first few weeks of my pregnancy at both 11 weeks and 13 weeks. At that point, one of my girlfriends reminded me what God said and that I had to trust him. And at both sonogram, I saw my baby hanging out, swimming and kicking. To this day, never found the source of the bleed. But baby and I are fine and that's all that matters. And by the way, for anyone reading, it's really common and most women with spotting go on to have healthy babies.

The other lesson? Some women's bodies will allow them to continue as if they are not growing a tiny human. For other women, the body reacts differently and you have to listen to it. You may be that woman whose able to run 5 miles a day throughout your pregnancy or you may be the woman who needs to take it easy for the welfare of you and your baby. It's ok, either way.

Once I hit second trimester, I began to cruise. I had my appetite back as well as my energy. Then, as I entered my last trimester, I tested slightly high on the gestational diabetes test. I had to go back and take the longer, 3 hr test. And wouldn't  you know it, I have Type 2 diabetes, at least for the duration of this pregnancy. I felt bad, thinking of the fruit snacks I had and what I may have done wrong...turns out, gestational diabetes is also fairly common. One of my good friends had it and was able to really comfort me and talk me through it. And she is fine now - no diabetes! My stepmother (who is diabetic) was also able to break down why some pregnant women develop gestational diabetes, and I realized it wasn't my fault.

I had to see an educator and dietician and it was extremely helpful. It has really made me look at food and how I eat, differently. I am also able to control it without medication, which is another blessing. It's sometimes difficult because I have to watch what I eat carefully and check my blood sugar 4 times a day. I do intend to take what I have learned and apply it after Kyrie's birth.

To My Son

Dear Kyrie,

As I feel you moving around inside me, I am consistently amazed and entertained even though I've been able to feel you for awhile. And even though I can't hold you in my arms yet, I am already a mother. I am your mother.

Throughout our time together, I've never felt so much joy, anxiety, peace, love, or amazement! Joy at finding out about you. Anxiety that maybe for some reason I wouldn't get to keep you. Peace at God's reassurance. Love at your very existence. And amazement as I've watched and felt you grow inside me. In this experience of carrying a child, I don't know how someone could doubt God's existence. You, Kyrie Demetree, are a miracle.

I remember praying and feeling so strongly you were a boy about 2 months  and the tears of joy during the second trimester sonogram which showed it to be so! I have a son!!

Kyrie, you are already such a source of joy and motivation. I do my part to ensure you enter the world healthy, with the best chance possible.

Grow stronger and don't rush out. You've got a little less than 6 weeks left in my womb - get all you need before leaving. I'll be right here waiting for you.

Top Ten Things I Didn't Know About Pregnancy

1. There is a thing called all day sickness - I didn't vomit at all, but I experienced nausea all day, every day for 10 weeks straight.
2. You have no choice but to become comfortable with flatulence. For me, the increase in it was startling and a bit embarrassing at first, because it'll just slip out without warning, then, I got over it.
3. You'll probably never want to have sex more or be so tired at the same time as you will be during the latter part of your second trimester and your third trimester for that matter.
4. Conversely because of #1, you may have little to no sex drive at all during the first trimester or if you experience it throughout pregnancy.
5. The bones in your hips and pelvis begin to soften and widen in preparation for baby and at least for me, I can feel it. The result, your hips may hurt, especially when maneuvering out of bed.
6. Your baby can hear you, maybe as early as 16 weeks in!
7. Your breasts being really tender or sore (similar to PMS symptoms) can be an early sign of pregnancy and can last throughout.
8. Many women experience spotting during their first trimester. Tell your doctor, but take comfort in knowing the majority of women who experience it, go on to deliver healthy babies.
9. Naps will become a fact of life in the third trimester, embrace whatever sleep you can!
10. You may never urinate as much in LIFE as you do during these 40 weeks!

Motherhood and God's Grace

Where do I start? These last 6 months have been a whirlwind, full of joy, thankfulness, and unpacking my own feelings about becoming a mom while reconciling my relationship with my own mother. Let's start with the joy!! On June 4, I felt compelled to take a pregnancy test. I'd been ridiculously tired, having out of the norm cravings, and then my period didn't come. Well, after a little over a year of trying and finally beginning to chill out, I found out I am pregnant!! My first reaction? I cried and thanked God for allowing me to conceive.

For some reason, I'd always feared (since my teens) something was wrong with me and I would have trouble conceiving. No doctor ever said so, but it was a fear I carried. Then fast forward through my 20s and trying to avoid getting pregnant outside of marriage, then accepting Jesus as my Lord and then abstinence for the rest of my 20s, to getting married at 30 and then deciding not to try immediately...well, yep. It wasn't rational, but it was there - hiding behind everything. Coming out ever so often to challenge what I knew was God's will. Then, the world was telling me I was getting old and that may cause issues. And while I know not to listen to the world, I'm going to keep it real - I wasn't deaf to it. 😔 But, I'd been prayed for, prophesied to, and spoken well over - so, God had spoken.

My son is literally the answer to prayers sent up by me in my heart and men and women of God. Then, the sickness came, then the spotting  (of blood) at 11, then 13 weeks in and I was a wreck. Each time, my son was fine and the doctor could find no reason for the spotting. The truth is that part of me wondered if I didn't deserve this gift. I was also dealing with feelings of rejection regarding my own mother.

When I chose Jesus, it caused a riff in many relationships. Some recovered, others didn't. This is actually biblical, believe it or not.(Luke 12:51-52). In the midst of that, I was able to grow a lot. I'm still learning to love who God is making me to be. Before, I was so stressed out trying to please others and I generally ended up miserable. I let people make me feel bad about myself and I was so eager to be loved and accepted, I took it. I took it from family, friends, I took it in my dysfunctional romantic relationships. Deep down, I felt lucky anyone wanted to even deal with me - that's how low my self esteem was.

So now, in this season, I've been dealing with letting God really be not just Father, but Mother too. To fill that void. I still have trouble connecting to women on an emotional  level who could be a surrogate because of the deep hurt I still carried from the relationship with my biological mom. It's time to let that go. It's time to let down that burden, those feelings of, "why doesn't she like me?" Because for real, you can't draw water from an empty well. People can love you but not be equipped to give you what you really need. That's not my fault nor yours. But what I can do for my son is make sure my well is full and ensure I point him to the source (Jesus). That's it. And I'm thankful God saved me for that reason and so many more.