Giving Him All - What Does That Really Mean?

I've been musing/meditating if you will, on what it really means to give God everything.  In my last post, I talked a little about what I had been studying in regard to loving God with all, but today on the train I thought about how it applies to me personally, discussion I had with some other Christian friends, and where I am right now in my walk.

In the last few days, I've had more consistent clarity than I've had in weeks, months even.  I realized I had been in a fog.  I also realized I don't want to lose this clarity again.  So what has changed?  I have been addressing my thoughts.  I noticed them turning back for the worse.  For me, that's one of my biggest struggles.  I've been praying more, worshiping more, but also paying more attention to my thoughts and trying to stay focused on God.  I had the epiphany that it is important that if I am to give God all, I've even got to give him my thoughts - good, bad, and indifferent.  Finding myself drifting into fantasies about my yet to be revealed husband is not ok, it's still lust.

Another issue was how I thought of myself in general.  I'm very hard on myself.  I have realized that in prayer, God has never spoken to me like I speak to myself.  He's a lot kinder and gentler than I am.  Go figure.  I've made an effort to respond well to positive feedback and provide it to myself as well.  

What I failed to realize, as do others I think, is that thoughts leave an open door.  Kind of like keeping the door cracked for the person behind you, except the person behind me wasn't Jesus.  The door was cracked for the old woman, who I used to be. I know that if I continue to give it to God, I will get to a point where I am completely delivered and I won't know when it happened.

Matt. 22:37:

Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

So Lord, here is my heart, my soul, my mind - I lay it all at Your feet.  The beauty, the hurt, the pain, the laughter, the defilement, the dirt, the light, my best and my worst - it all belongs to You.  Please correct those things in me that do not reflect You.  Please shine Your light in every dark place and wash every place with the Blood of the Lamb.  Please allow me to see myself as You see me.  In Jesus' name I pray, amen. 

Loving God with All of You

From my study:

Loving the Lord is not just about loving Him, it is something that is sacrificial. 

Deut 6:5 says:

 And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might.

The Hebrew reads:

And you love the Lord God  in all of heart of you and in all of soul of you and in all of utterly you. 

This means, you have to love the Lord your God with EVERY thing that you are.  Utterly means completely, absolutely.  Completely does not mean 95 percent, it means 100 percent.

Deut 10:12 adds on: And now, Israel, what doth the LORD thy God require of thee, but to fear the LORD thy God, to walk in all his ways, and to love him, and to serve the LORD thy God with all thy heart and with all thy soul,

This includes serving the Lord with all of your heart and all of your soul – the soul points to the flesh, breath, life – that means even your flesh has to love the Lord, the very parts of you that help you to be a living creature must be submitted in love to serving Christ.

But still, it goes deeper.  Deut 30:6 shows how the Lord will help us:

And the LORD thy God will circumcise thine heart, and the heart of thy seed, to love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, that thou mayest live.

To circumcise is to cut short, curtail, cut down, destroy.  The Lord will cut off or destroy everything in your heart and soul and in your seed (that which you produce) that does not enable your love for Him.  In addition, He kills these things so that we may have life.  God created us out of love.  He wants to love us, but He also wants us to praise, worship, and love Him.  Anything that blocks that praise, worship, and love has to go.  If you are to serve Him and you give yourself to Him, count on some things being circumcised.

This is not just an Old Testament principle because Jesus says it again in Matt. 22:37:

Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

And in Mark 12:30:

And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this [is] the first commandment.

And in Luke 10:27:

And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself.

Jesus also adds on here, that not only should man love God with all of himself, but also love his neighbor as he loves himself. 

Many of us can quote at least part of any of the above scriptures and we can do it without really putting conscious thought into it.  But if we got to the very heart of what God wants for His people, we would not be so lackadaisical about it.  It is deep and it is not easy, but since God created us, it is in us and we are capable of doing it.  I firmly believe that God would not ask us to do something we could not do.  We can walk out the Word or He wouldn’t have commanded it.  Is it easy?  No.  The world teaches us to do the opposite.  However, when we said yes and accepted Jesus as our Lord and Savior, we were new creatures.  We are no longer of this world, but of His Kingdom.  God is love and His Kingdom is established through it.  So let us love and serve the Lord with all our heart, mind, soul, strength.  Let us work toward loving Him, ourselves, and our brethren utterly.  Every day you look in the mirror, you see His love.  It is real, it is tangible, it is you.  Pour it out.

Motivation

I am feeling motivated to get things lined up and to do more of what I know I should be doing with my life - writing.  Part of getting things back in line includes actually bringing the Set Apart CGM blogspot back up to speed!  Um, we need our first post, but I really don't want it to become MY blog.  I'd really like other singles to submit things, dealing with singleness, their relationship with Jesus, even their struggles within singleness... anything along those lines would be good.  I really want it to be a forum and an inspiration.  I know I've been inspired by watching people's lives around me and I've learned a lot.  So, if you ever check out this blog, please consider writing for http://setapartcgm.blogspot.com/  Please let me know!

God's Glory

So, there was a song played on Sunday at my church that stuck with me, called "Yahweh".  The words are simple "All the glory belongs to You, all the glory belongs to You, oh God...Hallejujah" and that's the gist of it.  But in all honesty, what more do you need?  It's the truth.  Sometimes when I read the word or hear a good praise or worship song, I can feel my spirit lift - I just feel happy and excited all over again about God.  I was prompted to look up some scriptures about God's glory.  This is in no way exhaustive, but it was encouraging to me:

Deut. 5:24 "And you said: 'Surely the LORD our God has shown us His glory and His greatness, and we have heard His voice from the midst of the fire. We have seen this day that God speaks with man; yet he [still] lives."


2 Chr 5:14 "...the priests could not continue ministering because of the cloud; for the glory of the LORD filled the house of God"


Psa. 19:1 "To the Chief Musician. A Psalm of David. The heavens declare the glory of God; And the firmament shows His handiwork."


Psa. 30:12 "To the end that [my] glory may sing praise to You and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever."


Psa. 84:11 "For the LORD God [is] a sun and shield; The LORD will give grace and glory; No good [thing] will He withhold From those who walk uprightly."


I have felt God's glory fall before and it is incredible.  The Bible talks of man falling as dead. I laid on my face, under a chair, and still felt like I still wasn't low enough.  I remember thinking, if I could dig a whole and crawl in it, I would.  Not in a scary way, but it is just so heavy, pure, clean - everything that may not line up yet, wants to run from that light.  It is His love in us, that allows us to remain steady and humble ourselves in His presence.  It is truly awesome and I pray I feel His presence like that again.  When His glory falls, there is nothing else - not your grocery list, not your foot aching, not that bill you have to pay - just the Father.  

New Favorite Worship Song - "You Won't Relent" by Jesus Culture

For Freedom

Are you tired?  Tired of feeling drained spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally?  *raises hand* Well, if you're tired to laying down, then it's time to stand up!  I keep saying, "Lord, I'm so tired" and He keeps telling me to "Get up!" at 4:30 in the morning and I keep saying "Lord, I'm so tired!" and I turn over and hit snooze.  And you know what the end result is?  I'm still tired.  Why?  Because I didn't get up (stand up, you get the point, I hope).  The day I was obedient and I got up and laid before the Lord, I felt SO good.  Then I got thrown off again. 

We have been talking about the works of the flesh versus the fruit of the Spirit in Bible Study the last 2 weeks.  One of my pastors, Pastor Judy, has been teaching.  She pointed out that whenever you set your mind to do the things of the Spirit, there will be opposition and things that will try to distract you.  She broke down Galations 5:16 and 17 and it was deep stuff.  I may recap her teaching in another post. 

My point is this - our flesh will only cooperate with the Spirit if we make it.  If you are tired, if you are thirsty, if you are hurting, if you feel dirty, if you feel like a disappointment - maybe it's time to stand up and face those things.  And by standing up, I mean spending some time humbled in God's presence.  I happen to prefer the floor.  And I'm not writing from the perspective of  " I got it", I'm saying this is what I need to do more of myself. 

I don't know about you, but I'm sick of laying down and getting kicked in the ribs by my flesh.  I'm sick of feeling unhappy because I'm not fulfilling the potential God put in me.  I'm tired of feeling lonely because I don't know how to let the Holy Spirit comfort me.  I'm tired of being bound.  I had been locked up for so long, at first I didn't realize how heavy those chains were.  Now I feel their weight.  I want to be truly free.  I've gotten glimpses and felt periods of it, but I want it to be permanent.  For liberty, He has made us free!

Living Outside of the Box

Right after our birth, the doctors clean us up, check our vitals, then put us in a box – and wheel us to the nursery.  As we grow, we are constantly put into boxes.  Bassinettes, cribs, then a toddler bed with railings – a partial box.  We are defined largely by what our parents and loved ones say about us.  Their words, their tone, they shape us.  A person can say you are beautiful but if they say it sarcastically, it’s the tone that stays with you, not the words.  If a person says, “You are just like your daddy!” with contempt, it is the contempt that shapes how you feel about yourself and about your father.   If a person touches you inappropriately as a child, that shame and violation put you in a box and it shapes how you feel about yourself.  You may feel ashamed of yourself, you may grow to dislike yourself, your body, and not even want to identify with your gender.  Or, you may become completely shame-less and flaunt yourself, your body, and your gender identity ALL over the place. 

            For all these things said and done that shape us, it is rare that people use God’s word to shape.  See, my God made me but a little lower than the angels, and my God knew me before I was in my mother’s womb and my God loved me SO much that He gave His very own Son in exchange for me.  Some days I feel so dreaded.  I have to remind myself that I am not to call what God pronounced clean common.  There are days that I cannot seem to shake the things I’ve done wrong both pre-Christ and after.  And then I realized something very important.  If I believe God made me and if I believe He is infinite and capable of all things and if I believe He can create something from literally NOTHING, how in the world can I limit myself to this little itty bitty box that someone first put me in 28 years ago?  I am not just Baby Kenner amongst a bunch of Baby Smiths and Johnsons…no, I am one who God knew intimately before I even existed in the natural.  The I Am made me, so how can I only be this little finite thing?  I believe that if God made me, then by virtue of the source, I am capable of more than I could wrap my human brain around.  As a woman, I have the ability to help bring forth life, both naturally as well as spiritually.  He gave man the ability to multiply, to create.  And Paul walked with God so closely that he even had the ability to make something out of nothing.  Taking a handkerchief from his own body!

            Paul said that if there be sinners among him, that he was chief.  Yet God called him out of his sin into His glory.  Paul did not live in a box and in my opinion, the Lord never intended for us to be there.  It was man that first put you in a box and at the end of our lives here on earth, it is man that puts us in another.  But where there Holy Spirit resides, I believe there are no boundaries except those we put on ourselves.  At least for me, I can honestly say that often me, my flesh, is my biggest barrier to the Father.  Not circumstance, not attack…me.  And that is the hard thing to face.  However, if you can, then you can begin to address the problem…you.  Once we get out of our own way, I believe that there is so much waiting.  So, as I write this, I am trying to get out of my own way.  I am trying to have the courage to let God define me and not worry about anyone else.  I cannot worry about whether I will be ridiculed or considered pretentious for stepping out.  I trust that if I am out of bounds, since God loves me and I love Him, He will correct me.  He will rein me in.  If we could wrap our heads around the fact that our Father will catch us even where our natural fathers may have let us fall…we would truly know what it is to be FREE and to be at peace. 

Hanging on for the Blessing

It has been awhile since I've added something here, but I thought I'd update whomever reads on some blessings in my life!  So, financially, things had been a little tight for awhile.  I had been praying to God for awhile for a shift.  This isn't very eloquent, but I basically prayed "Lord, please, something's got to give - you know what I need and you know what I'd like to do, please make a way..."  I had been praying this same prayer for awhile and a job opportunity came up with an organization that I really wanted to work for, back in January or February and I didn't even make it to interviews.  This is an organization that hardly EVER has jobs open up.  So, I was a little let down because I rewrote my cover letter like FOUR times and tweaked my resume like crazy.  But, I said, "Ok Lord, something else then".  Well, a few weeks later, TWO more jobs opened up for the SAME organization.  I said, "Ok, I'm going to try again.  Lord, if you just let me get my foot in the door, I know it's mine"  (Bold right?  But I seriously felt it).

I submitted my resume and a few days later, I got an email.  My first thought was, "Dang, they rejecting me already?!"  (See how that boldness kind of flipped?)  No, turns out, they were asking me for a writing sample.  Now, in the midst of all of this, I'm going through VERY heavily in my personal life.  And during the time frame that I was supposed to be working on this writing sample, it only intensified and got worse.  I prayed again that God would give me favor.  I seriously was uncertain if I was providing enough background or following their writing protocol well enough...so, I submit it on the last day I could do so.

Two weeks later, I got a call - they wanted to interview me.  I nearly FLIPPED!  Now, usually, I try not to get too excited because I'm scared of being disappointed, but I had already prayed, "Lord, if you just let me get my foot in the door..." and He seemed to be cracking the door for me to come on in.  I had to do a presentation for the interview and that made me nervous.  You see, normally, I get pretty nervous in front of people.  I think I can present well, but it usually takes me about 2 minutes to get comfortable.  Problem is, this presentation was only supposed to be 7 mins long.  The night before, I ended up switching gears on the whole thing and I was also nervous that I would go blank or seem like I was not knowledgeable on the subject matter.

The day of the interview, I decided to drive into D.C.  At Dupont Circle, my car cut off.  Fortunately it was a red light.  You see that prayer is becoming a reoccurring theme in this story right?  Because I definitely had to pray again.  My Honda has served me well, even though due to the aforementioned tightness of finances, I haven't been able to really do all I should do to keep an aging car running.  But that's a side bar - the car did kick over and I made it to my interview, still early.  So, as you can imagine, I'm trying to relax and get my nerves together.  Then a funny thing happened - I went into the interview and it was such an easy going and welcoming environment, I was put at ease.  It was like I was on autopilot.  They fired questions and I answered without struggle.  I believe without a doubt it was God.  I promise you I can't remember having a presentation go so smoothly and if you ask me how I responded to the questions, I couldn't tell you.

Well, three weeks later, I found out... I GOT THE JOB!  I start July 1.  I never asked in prayer, but I kind of thought to myself, I want to be in a new position by July 1.  My point of this story?  Often, things don't look good.  They may not look good for awhile.  You may question - Lord, did I hear you right?  Or did I do this of my own accord?  You may get anxious (though the Bible says we should not be anxious for anything).  The important thing is that you hang on.  Continue to pray...He hears you.  :-)

What Makes Your Ministry?

Luke 11:9 -13 says:
⁹ “So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. ¹⁰ For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. ¹¹ If a son asks for bread^[d] from any father among you, will he give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent instead of a fish? ¹² Or if he asks for an egg, will he offer him a scorpion? ¹³ If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!”


What Jesus says above makes sense right?  Ask and receive, seek and find.  He then takes this discussion on the Heavenly Father and relates it to one's natural father.  He says if a son asks for bread, will he give him a stone?  If he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent?  Unfortunately, for some of us, our natural fathers fell short even on this minimum.  The result is a feeling of rejection of asking, why couldn't my father give me what I needed?  Or some it is, why couldn't my mother give me what I needed?  


We have to all learn to forgive for these things.  I'm working through the process right now in this season in my life.  


I believe that the things I have gone through (and am going through) will all become a part of my ministry.  Jesus was tried at every point so that He could have compassion for us.  He truly was both the Son of Man (human) and the Son of God (divine).  His ministry is universal.


It is my prayer that I will move past lamenting what was and embrace the joy in what is!  I am saved.  I am redeemed!  I am a new creature!  Though things are not easy, God continues to pour out his grace.  I am loved!  Today in church, my pastor quoted Luke 12:32 "Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom."  It really did comfort my heart.  No matter what your mother, father, sister, brother, friend, husband, cousin, wife neglected to do, it is your Heavenly Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom!  We are more than conquerors in Christ Jesus.  I am a treasure to the Father and beloved by Him and so are you.  Make your misery your ministry.  Let Him love you.  Let Him heal you.  Then go help Him heal someone else through you.  

Connect

Login, log on
Pick up the phone
Text a message
And instant message
Reaching out
Just to connect

No one online
And voicemail kicks in
Text goes unresponded
And not a soul on IM
Feeling lonely
Just want to connect

Writing to the blogosphere
Hoping for responses
Days pass without comments
And you become despondent
Because you just want to connect

These devices man erected
Just to stay connected
And yet, the people take their lives every day
The loneliness is too much
All is left as an eery hush
The click click of the keyboard

Nothing "real" to live for
Waiting to get an earful
But we are still not able to connect
Drowning in the silence
We cannot hear
Cannot feel
The rush of You around us

Heartbeat is audible in my ears
And the blood rushes to my head
Trying to connect
And cannot
Some wish for death

Man and technology
A generation's regret
All the tools before us
And yet to the Source
We still cannot connect

He died
And resurrected
Yet...
The oldest form of communication
Knee to floor
Floor to face
We forget
And therefore
Cannot connect

Jesus Has Always Got It!

This will be brief.  I just want to encourage anyone who may read this - Jesus has always got it!  Time and time again when I worried that I was not prepared enough (in the natural) or that my nerves would get in the way of success, and I prayed and it all worked out.  Case in point, today, I had a job interview and in typical fashion for me, preparation was a little last minute.  I prepared last night by spending some time in worship, but more so this morning in prayer.  I could feel my nerves setting in and I really began to worry.  On the way to the interview I just sang & worshiped   I got about 3 blocks from the interview site and my car cut off on me.  I paused, prayed (Please Jesus, not today!  Please start, please start), put on my hazards and tried again.  The engine kicked over and I made it to my destination.  Before entering the interview, I had cotton mouth and once in, it became very conversational.  I was put at ease and I made it through my presentation without stumbling over words at all.

Whether I get the job or not, I know that Jesus had me today - and every day.  Stay in Him and He will always be there for you!

The Freedom in Forgiveness

In the last week or so, I've really been focused on forgiveness.  Writing down scriptures about it, reviewing the scriptures, listening to songs about it, talking/praying to God about it.  I received several words in the last week about forgiveness and how important it will be for me to move forward.  I also know how freed I felt from forgiving my mother.

I keep asking the Lord, "Teach me how to forgive" and every time, I keep seeing an image in my mind of the Lord on the cross.  If that's not forgiveness, I don't know what is.  I guess that means I truly have to become like a lamb.  That doesn't mean to purposely put myself in harm's way and take it, but I think it means that I have to a)trust God in the situation b) avoid reacting in the way the old Tiffany would - defensively.  I have to trust God enough to keep me.  Simple as that.  I think so many times in life I couldn't really trust the people to protect me that should have protected me.  And now, spiritually, I have to learn to not hold those same fears.  What does scripture say? "God is not a man that He should lie".

So, I'm going to let God work on me.  If I can endure the reconstruction, I think the end result is going to be awesome.

Finding My Voice

Today I decided it was finally time to face some stuff I had been avoiding.  One of those things was talking to my father.  A lot of unpleasant stuff had happened recently that I had been praying about and trying to sort through.  A few nights ago, I was dancing and I ministered the song as if I was ministering to my mother, the song was "Forever Always" by Martha Munizzi.  I started to cry as I danced.  One of the lyrics to the song is "There's nothing you could ever do, to keep me from loving you" and that anger and bitterness just broke.  I figured if that is how God feels about us, how could I possibly hold on to all those gunky feelings?  I mean, He did forgive all the crazy/dumb/dangerous/careless/[insert word here] things I've done.  It was amazing.  I could breathe deeply again.  I hadn't even realized that I had been experiencing an actual tightness in my chest for the last two weeks or so, that felt like a weight.

But I digress.  It was also time to finally address my father's calls b/c he had gotten caught up in the whirlwind of foolishness too.  I realized I wasn't mad at him anymore either, it was just a feeling of, "ok, now I know what the deal is".  I told him I wasn't going to an event that I had originally agreed to go to - I just feel like it's best for now.  He wanted to debate why and also what was going on with my mother and I shut it down.  Respectfully, but still.  I didn't leave the conversation feeling frustrated or bad about myself or guilty.  I actually feel strong and empowered.  I feel like I still have some walls to break through, but I think I'm finally starting to find my voice.  Some have said I haven't quite been myself.  I think the thing is, I'm finally coming into myself and it's someone they haven't met before.  So let me re-introduce myself...

No more distractions
No more obstructions
No more self destruction
Just your peace

No more wonderings
Only your wisdom
As I pick up the book
I am illuminated
Just your Word

One day
I will know as I am known
And each day you show
Your love in a new way

I decided today
That you are worth it all
I give it all
And the prize is my life

Not ordinary to many
Foolish to some
No more second thoughts
I know you are the One

No more rejection
Will try accepting
The love you offer so generously

Because I can't shake the feeling
Of being aligned with you
So good to not be maligned by you
And it is all becoming clear

Almost didn't come because of fear
But now I am so happy
Just to be here

Hold me close
Please don't let go
Even when I am obstinate
You give me room to grow

Thank you for being my center
My anchor
My compass
The Greatest Love I have ever known

Unselfish
And merciful
I am in awe of you
I owe all of me
Because you gave all that you had
Just so I could have the choice
To live.

My Spirit Cries Out (Alabaster Box)

My Spirit Cries Out (Alabaster Box)

There were days of loneliness so profound
Each day held clouds that blotted out the Son
I was hurt and battered and tired and angry
And my spirit cried out for something more

Brokenhearted and betrayed
I wondered if the Father was really there
My spirit cried out in despair

When I said enough
There has to be more for me
I entered Your house
I heard Your truth
And I gave into Your Will

I knelt in prayer
And my spirit cried out
The tears fell harder
As He spoke to me
He said, that lonely time on the cross
His pain...He did that all for me
And I poured out all I had in praise
My tears covered his feet
Gathered where the nails had been
And I wiped the tears with my hair

I said Lord, I do not deserve you
And He whispered
I did this because I loved you even then
And my cup was full
My spirit cried out
Hallelujah!

He said my tears were like spikenard
So sweet was my praise
How could I not worship Him?
Through His sacrifice, I am made whole
And my spirit cries out
Joy!

He understood my pain
And He accepted my praise
And though I was never worthy
He saw me fit to be saved

Noone will ever know except Him
I finally understand the cost
I lay my praise and worship at his feet
I am like Mary
Ever thankful
Pouring out my tears of joy
Over my Lord's feet
The oil from my little alabaster box

New Poem - I Choose You

I Choose You

I choose You

In the midst of the storm

I call on You

My prayer is that I am recognized

Among those who cry out

Because I choose You

Because You are all I ever wanted

And You were all I ever needed

Before I even realized what it meant

I chose You

And in all the rejection

And the things I subjected myself to

You reached out Your hand

And You chose me too

Before breath was breathed into my lungs

You set in me a purpose

That now I am struggling to remember

And in the confusion I know one thing

I choose You

And the world is jealous for me

It pulls and weighs me down as I reach up

But Your touch

It thrusts me forward

And I choose You

When they say I love You too much

I ask them do they know You?

Because if they did

They’d love You too

And I’ll carry my cross of persecution

And they can mock me if they like

                                                               Because I choose You.

Forgiveness

I was SO angry...like swearing in my head angry.  Giving people looks that could kill angry.  I felt unappreciated, used, and abused.  I was furiously washing dishes, dumping food into containers, and basically having a productive temper tantrum - if there's a such thing.  I had to get out of there.  I felt the walls closing in.  I felt an anger that was so deep...an anger I hadn't felt in a long time.  And I remember thinking, "I still have to forgive?  After ALL the crap I been put through, all the things that have been said, all the things that have been done?  All the things that are STILL being said?!  And I still have to FORGIVE?!"  As one of my friends would say, I murked!  I grabbed my keys and went to my car.  I sat there fuming, then I started to just drive.  Oh and I drove a bit like a crazy woman.  I fussed and complained and by the time I got home I asked - do I really have to God?  And He responded yes, I have to forgive.  Unforgiveness can jeopardize your own salvation.  You must forgive to be forgiven.  I have to forgive with the love of Jesus.  And then I wondered if I had enough love in me because I was so mad.  But even in His correction, God assured me I had what I needed to do it - my flesh just needed to be brought into subjection.  Gotta love a gut check from God.

Taking Care

This week, I have been in my mother's house.  On Thursday, my mom had hip replacement surgery and came home Sunday.  I will tell you how I envisioned this week - my mom being largely in a drugged state (as she had been in the hospital) and my primary function being to just make sure she got her pain meds and food on a regular schedule.  I would have plenty of time to study out this chapter in Nehemiah and to overall read and study my word.  It would be a glorious time of connecting with the Father in the midst of being at my mother's house.  I would use this time to be productive spiritually and naturally.

Well...let me tell you how it's really been - exhausting.  Taking care of a grown person can be just as daunting as taking care of a child, shucks, possibly more so.  I'm an aunt a couple of times over and I've even cared for sick children, but it has been NOTHING like this.  The first night didn't start off well.  Two medications - one being her pain meds- could not be filled.  The hospital pretty much told us to figure it out and then when we mentioned we had another painkiller on hand, said she could just take that until we could get what she really needed.  Well, that night, I was up every 4 hrs making sure she got her pain meds.  That also included rubbing sore legs and overall dealing with a person in pain and feeling helpless because there was nothing that could be done to relieve it.  On top of that, my allergies were kicking in heavy so I also was not at my physical best.  The next morning, she was grouchy from no sleep and so was I.  Grouchy mom means me getting snapped at most of the day.  In a short synopsis- day 1 was pretty miserable. 

Day 2 was not a whole lot better.  Still a lot of pain on the end of the patient and the incessant requests for water, juice, massage, help, overall exclamations of pain, irritability (this time on both the patient's part and mine) and preparation of food.  The nurse came in and worked with her while I was finally able to get the meds she needed. In the midst, a grocery run also had to happen.  I never sat down for more than a few minutes.  Day 3 was when my mom showed where the emotional ups & downs were coming from - she felt helpless too.  She hadn't been able to sleep (meanwhile, I had been so exhausted I had fell asleep trying to read my word) and the pain had been constant.  She broke down a bit and I was actually glad she let some of that out. I also felt compassion.

Now in Day 4, I've realized a few things.  People change when they see a need.  If they do not see a need, you can only change how you react to them.  I felt bad for being irritable, but for all the growth I've had, there's still more to come.  I can say overall, I did better than I would have even an few months ago, but I definitely still need work.  My sister joked that my mother was Mister from the Color Purple.  I don't know if she was on that level, but it hasn't been easy.  I kept thinking of the parable of the servants working all day in the field and then being asked to make the master something to eat.  Having a servant's heart involves doing not only what is required of you, but then doing more and most importantly - not murmuring or complaining about it.  It is easier to have a servant's heart when the conditions are ideal, but what about when things get rough?  Will you still serve?  Will you still serve with a purity of heart?  Will you still do things with love?

Today, I had some moments of feeling like I hadn't done enough.  But you know what?  I've done all I could do.  This experience has held a mirror up to my face in regard to where I am in my growth.  I saw myself reverting back to some old ways of dealing with things.  I had to shake myself and realize - I am NOT a child anymore.  I am an adult and I have the tools to express myself as well as the wisdom to know when to stay quiet.  I have a new found respect for those that making care taking their job, whether as a paid profession or as a stay at home parent or spouse to a sick mate.  It requires a depth of love, patience, and emotional maturity.  I understand why I am still a single woman.  I still have a lot more growing to do!

New Poem- Alien

Alien

By Tiffany Kenner

One day, I won’t feel like an alien in this skin

I’ll inhale and know it’s me

And there’s no other way God or I should have it be

I’ll love every dimple in all of my cheeks

And I’ll smile at the crease in my forehead

Those days that I thought I’d be better off …

Well those days will be overshadowed by grace

And I’ll love every imperfection in my face

Every scar, scratch, wrinkle will be something

That makes my eyes twinkle

I’ll love it because it’s mine

And I love it because God put it there

And He thinks I’m fine

I’m a masterpiece

And if I stand out

It’s because I’m set apart

So if I’m foreign, alien even

I guess that’s just the space I’m in

The cross I carry

The mercy in which I sit

I can’t help if I’m different

Corporate Word

Well, I just realized with a bit of anxiety that I have my corporate word this Sunday and I have no idea what the Lord wants me to talk about.  There has been so much going on with me - a lot of growth, a lot of growing pains - but at the end of the day, it's not about me or what I've been going through. This word is about what the Lord has for the church, for the body, for a person.  So...with that being said, about to read and pray.

New Year, New Goals, Pursuing Dreams

Many people use the new year to look back and to set resolutions for the upcoming year.  Resolutions are things that are generally forgotten after the first month (at least for me), but I do like and think it's necessary to set goals.  I was praying today about what God would have me do this year.  What He told me is what He wants me to realize about myself - 1) that I am beautiful - inside and out.  Like, for real.  Not only when I have on make up or only when I'm feeling good.  That I am beautiful inside and out because He MADE me inside and out.  2) I am worthy.  What does the scripture say about Jesus?  In Mark 1:9-12, Jesus was baptized and the Spirit descended upon him and God said, "You are my beloved Son in whom I am well pleased" and then Jesus was immediately driven into the wilderness where He was tested and THEN He began to do the work.  The Father called Jesus "beloved" and was "well pleased" before any work was done!  Looking at myself and in everyone - God loves us before we DO anything.  He is well pleased with us.  James also says, what is faith without works?  After we let it sink in that we are God's beloved and we believe on him and the Son and the Holy Spirit - then we demonstrate that faith through our work.  But first and foremost, we are already justified through Christ Jesus.  I say that for myself as well as for anyone else who may read this.  Referring back to the scripture in Mark, the order is God came up Jesus, loved him, tested him, then he did work.  Approval and acceptance is intrinsic to that love.  So...if you feel like you're being tested, that's because God is preparing you to do that work.  In the duration, it is our job to fortify ourselves with prayer and the word.  Sorry, got on a tangent.

So what are my goals for the new year given everything that was said above?  To let those messages sink in.  I can't walk the rest of my life feeling worthy one day and like nothing the next or beautiful one day and like I don't want anyone to see me the next.  I will never reach full effectiveness in life or spiritually if I do not let God stabilize those things in me.  That means not squirming at being vulnerable and at the fact people can see that at times. 

Another goal is to actually complete a book this year.  I have always known that is a gift that God gave me - writing.  I can often express myself far better through written communication than I can verbally.  So, now, I want to move forward in it.  This is not only a goal, but something I've always dreamed of doing.  It can become reality!

A third goal is to a) let God reveal how he wants to use me more and b) to be bold enough to do it! 

What are your goals and dreams for this year and the next?