Marriage and Relationships

Yesterday evening, I watched one of my friends get married and it was beautiful.  And it was meaningful for a lot of reasons.  I really admire this friend and her life because she really loves God and she was patient and she went about things the right way and God did it.  She was beautiful, the event was beautiful, and just seeing the look on her face as she danced with her new husband or even her looking for him, asking "Where's my husband?" was pretty awesome.  It made me want to experience those things...one day.

This is the second marriage I've seen in the last 12 months and all the pairing up and in some cases, breaking up, has got me thinking more about relationships and marriage.  I have a lot of conflicting emotions about marriage.  Even though I have seen how beautiful it can be, I'm still scared to death.  I have learned a lot from watching the lives of my girlfriends, saved and not.  I have seen my pastors and their interactions.  I have seen couples in my church.  And I've taken it all in.  I listen to conversations about marriage to glean some wisdom.  The reality is - marriage is a lot of work.  It means being completely vulnerable to another person. It means not getting to do what you want to do anymore, but having to consider another person.  It means that I may not be able to worship at midnight because my husband may want to sleep.  It means having to forgive constantly and I mean, really forget something ever happened.  It also means having a partner, your best friend with you all the time (because my hubby, whoever he is, is going to be my best friend besides Jesus, of course).  It means having someone to hug when you've had a bad day or a shoulder to cry on when it seems like this walk is just too tough. And it's those things that make me very interested in marriage, the majority of the time.  That being said, YES, I also miss the physical stuff too.  But overall, I can honestly say, it really is the companionship and the being each other's cheerleader I really miss.  At this point in my life, while I'm pretty sure I'm not ready for marriage, I believe I am so much more stable and ready to be someone's helpmate.  I am a better woman, the best I can ever remember being.  I am nurturing and loving, more so than I can remember ever being.  I feel, no, I know that I owe that all to being in Christ.

So, this is to my future husband:

Dear ________________,

Thank you for being the man that God intended for me.  God has always known exactly what the deal really was, even if I would not admit to any person, so I know  He selected you especially for me.  I am thankful that you are someone who loves Jesus.  Even when I was not living a saved life, it was important to me that whoever I was with, loved God.  I am thankful that because you love My Father, you also love me.  I pray that you abound in the Father's love for me, that you watch over me and protect me as Christ does His church.  I know it is a tall order, but if you can get the revelation of God's love for you, loving me will be light work. ;-)  I am complex, but in God's manifold wisdom, He has given me my perfect match.  I love that we can laugh together and that you understand my jokes.  I love how you look at me.  I love your smile.  I even love how you smell. I love how you love my cooking.  I love watching you.  I think you're pretty awesome and I like how you think I'm pretty awesome too.  I love how we can talk for a long time about everything and nothing or just be with each other in silence and not feel awkward.  I am thankful that you showed me that on the other side of all the hurt and heartbreak, there really is someone just right. Thank you for helping me appreciate all the bad stuff because now, I can revel in how wonderful this is, we are.  Most of all, I thank God that I did not try to "make" us happen, but I let Him take the time to prepare me and you first.

Whoever this guy is...he's going to be pretty great because God's phenomenal.  I'm excited to see what happens in the maybe not so distant future.

The Strength to Forgive

God, please give me the strength to forgive.  I know as a Christian, as one who loves you with all my heart, this is key to a successful walk.  The reason I am in here is because Christ died for me.  His act of sacrifice was also an act of forgiveness.  Because He died, I now have the option of an open relationship with you.  Lord, You know my hurts, You know the deep pains that I've had to swallow, You know the battle I fight...Father, You know, You know... There were times when I felt like I had finally done it, like I had finally let it all go, but then something else happens or some mornings I just wake up mad and I don't know why.  I don't want to become bitter.  I know what that looks like and it's ugly.  I don't want that in my life.  I don't want to become a holding place for unforgiveness because then, how can I be forgiven?  Maybe that is part of reason it's so hard for me to fully accept Your love for me...because part of me is SO mad I didn't get it from those I felt I should have gotten it from, the right way.  My God, there has been so much duality in my life.  So much, "I love you" "I'm proud of you" then "You're weak" "You ain't neva going to have no good luck" "You may end up alone".  Blessed and cursed with the same tongue.  And there is my sticking point.  The hallmark of my faith is that I believe the following - Jesus is the Christ.  Jesus was born to Mary by way of the Holy Spirit.  Jesus died for my sins and He became a curse so that I would not have to bear the judgment for my iniquities.  Jesus' blood covers every sin and breaks every curse.  So if every curse is broken, why in the world am I still mad about it?  "Do you do well to be angry Jonah?"  No Lord, I don't.