What Type of Mom Did You Think You'd Be?

While I was pregnant with my son, I don't remember having a definite plan for how I planned to parent or the "type" of mom I'd be. I just remember wanting to a)be better than what I may have experienced and b)to be a conscientious parent and not to do what necessarily makes life easier for me, but what makes life BETTER for him (the two are not always synonymous). That being said, I've turned out to be far more "granola" than I imagined. I'm still pumping and breastfeeding.😩😂My son will be 1 in about a week and a half.😍

I worry if I'm helping him be the most independent, strong, smart, caring little person  he can be. So far, he's showing signs of growing independence and overall, he's a happy little guy  - so I think those are good signs. Will I make mistakes? Yep, already have. Am I already taking notes on what I'd tweak with child 2? Yes indeed. But it's ok. I'm glad to be intentional is most everything I do concerning him.

So, what kind of parent did you think you'd be?

Remembering God's Peace

I remember one of my first personal experiences with what I now know is the Holy Spirit. I had gotten my heart broken and I was "doing me" or whatever that means. I wasn't saved and definitely wasn't living a saved lifestyle. I had taken a shower and everything that had happened - my first love, who I thought was my best friend, was getting married. I was beside myself, sobbing and I felt like someone had ripped my heart out and punched me as hard as they could in my stomach. I was  wailing like someone had died, and in those moments, a part of me had. It was a pain I'd never felt before. Curled up on the floor in fetal position in my towel, I felt a peace I'd never known. My sobs stopped. It was like someone gave me a hug. I eventually got off the floor and I knew I'd be ok. God had mercy on me in one of my worst moments. He showed me love even though I had always known deep down that particular relationship would never work and furthermore, wasn't good for me.

God really does love us first. Not because we deserve it, but because we are His. All of us, whether you believe in Him or not. He patiently waited for me to receive Him and I am forever thankful. In return, He gave me life. He gave me love. He gave me what I had really been thirsting for, but I was at the wrong well. Years went by, but one day He met me on my living room floor.

Life After Birth

Forgive the location, but there was a full length mirror present.  I've really been thinking on my life as a mom and how it's changed so much about me - physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. This shows the outward - when I got pregnant, I weighed 200 lbs. I gained 20 during my pregnancy and now I hover around 173. I'm being really transparent because I feel like not enough people talk openly about what the body goes through to make a human. In my case, my son was the come up! But my tummy is still getting together and looks like an etch a sketch😂😂, but I respect what my body has done and am thankful to be a part of God's creative process. My point? Work on loving you at every stage.

God is good

A snippet from a convo at work, in reference to the devastation from Hurricane Harvey:

Coworker (sarcastically): And they say "God is good", hmph!
Me (matter of factly): God is good, people just make poor life decisions!

The coworker went on to say God was like a child with a magnifying glass looking at ants. I just shook my head and said, not my God.

And I'm writing this because I know this coworker enough to say he's experienced a lot of hurt and some hardships. And I can say the same. But through it all, I can still say God is good because even with those things, I am here and prospering. Not necessarily because I  am a good person or I deserve it, but because God really is good. And for clarity, prosperity doesn't mean I don't have challenges or struggles, but I am lacking nothing.

This brings me to my point, a misunderstanding of what it is to be good and a misunderstanding of what love and what God's will is for man. Jesus said, none but God is good, and Jesus is the pattern! 1 Corinthians 13 tells us what love is. And Jeremiah 29:11 tells us that God means us well and to give us hope and a future. The Bible also says God chastens those whom he loves and if you are not corrected, you are a bastard and not a son.

This is truth. Selah.

Baby Kyrie!

As my son sleeps in my arms, I am overwhelmed with thankfulness, love, and panic that I'm not asleep too! LOL

This will be brief: Kyrie arrived February 4. He was a big boy, weighing 8 lbs and 7oz. He was 21.5 inches long! He came out alert and pretty calm. I will always remember the peace between us as he looked at me and I looked at him. He is pretty amazing and humbling to look at and know God allowed me to have a hand in creation.

I have more to say on my first few weeks of parenthood, but suffice it to say - I'm totally in love with my little boy!

Life is Beautiful

In the last few weeks/months, a lot has been going on! I'm halfway through my pregnancy with my first child - a boy!!! I'm so excited and grateful to God for this little guy growing inside me.

Just before I found out the gender of my baby, my grandma went into the hospital. She had fallen twice and was admitted to the hospital. Long story short, I've gotten news she's deteriorating rapidly mentally and physically. She did make it out of the hospital, which is a blessing because she didn't think she would. But now I know I need to get to her soon, as I really want to see her. She's been saying she doesn't think she has long and I'd like to see her while she's still here.

I've also been dealing very heavily with my past. And the one thing I've kept hearing and reminding myself of is that you are not or do not have to be defined by your past. In my past, I did a lot of things I'm not proud of and things were done to me that I had to cope with. While those things have no doubt become a part of my testimony and will likely play a part in my ministry, they do not define me. God does. Everything that defined me in my past is done, I'm a new creature and God's words and thoughts toward me are true.

And while I deal with impending motherhood and the life growing in me and the ending of other things, I realize that even in my hurt, worry, struggles - life is beautiful. The narrow gate and tribulation are the way.

Parenting and Providing

I have been musing on some things lately and one thing which clicked for me is that there is a difference between being a good parent and being a good provider. Ideally, I want to be both one day.

Walk with me through this concept for a minute - for example, if a father works hard every day, so much so he's never  there to say more than a few things to his children, doesn't make time to be there for any major (or minor events for that matter), but his children have the best of everything (clothing, food, education, toys, opportunities)- by many standards, he would be considered a good parent. All of his child's essential needs were more than met, they were exceeded! Right?

Let me flip that for a second: now, you have a father who is barely getting by financially, he also works hard. His kids get their clothes as hand me downs or if they are new, it may not necessarily be name brand. However, he is there to put them to bed most nights and since he can't afford to put his kids into organized sports, he takes them to the park or local rec center for games or to hang out with friends.

One is unequivocally a good provider, but the other demonstrates being a parent - being there, physically, emotionally, mentally. I am not a parent yet, but I was someone's child. If you give your child everything BUT you - your time, love, wisdom - you may be a great provider, but does that equate to good parenting? I would argue no.

There are so many broken people in this world with issues that others can't figure out. And not always visibly broken, but lacking confidence, the ability to connect, seeking affection and love in the wrong places... How many came from good providers who interpreted that as good parenting? Just something I've been musing on.

Appreciation

I am feeling very thankful. I heard some great words today in church, first about the gift of the blood of Jesus and a reminder that we are God's priests and another great word from my husband to the body, reminding us that God's promises to us are ours and that He will do everything He can to help us reach it in our lifetime.

I've heard my husband teach before but today was the best and most natural and relaxed I've ever seen him. The Holy Spirit just allowed him to flow and it was beautiful and I am so proud of him and what God is doing in him. All that after working overnight and coming straight to church after work.

Then, after church, we did some grocery shopping. We had talked about me getting a new laptop to do pictures for my photography business and he said, come on babe, let's just pick it up today. I am a little teary eyed because that money could have gone elsewhere, but he wanted to invest it in me and my dream. I appreciate that he deems me and what I do valuable enough to invest in actively. I'm thankful we're able to invest in each other. I'm thankful for a true partnership with my husband. We truly have each other's backs and that means the world to me. I am blessed.