Changes

So, I cut my hair again.  And usually me cutting my hair is synonymous with other changes taking place in my life.  It's safe to say that I'm going through a period of change, purging, and rebirthing. 

I'll say that it's hard.  I am 27 years old and I feel like I'm learning me all over.  The truth is, I am.  I'll share with you what I find.  It takes pressure to turn coal into a diamond.  Well, here we go...

The Joy of My Salvation

It's been a little while since I've updated and I've had this scripture swirling around in my head for a little while. I finally decided to look it up and get the exact wording:

Psa 51:12 (KJV)
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me [with thy] free spirit.

and another related one:

Hab 3:18 (KJV)
Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation.

If you've seen the movie "Brown Sugar", Sanaa Lathan's character asks, "When did you fall in love with hip hop?" I want to pose that same question to Christians. When did you fall in love with Jesus? Do you remember what it was like?

I remember clearly when I fell in love. I was at church and the pastor gave those in the congregation an opportunity to give their life to the Lord. And I stood up and went up to the front. He asked me if I was sure and I felt such an urgency, but also a calm about it. I was sure. And my life changed forever. Before that, I knew of Jesus. I wanted to know more. But when I finally started to establish a relationship, I fell in love quickly. I could have had the worst night sleep ever, but I woke up with a peace and a joy that is hard to explain. I can liken it to falling in love in the natural sense, but it's so much better. There is a peace in this relationship. There's not the anxiety of "will he still like me if I do or don't do xyz?" It is truly awesome. Being drunk in the spirit is far better than any kind of alcohol on the shelves. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you betta ask somebody!

I was on cloud nine for weeks. And then, as time goes on, the high wears off and the reality of "yes" begins to present itself. Jesus is still as awesome as the day you fell in love, but this thing becomes real. The fact that your life is and must be different becomes evident. Sometimes challenges come. You begin to go through growing pains. The expression "born again" is actually appropriate. You feel like a child again. You have to learn virtually everything all over. All that was established in you has to be torn up and reconstructed. The foundation has to be laid anew. And this is hard. I am personally going through that right now.

I am discovering that I am very stubborn. Some things were relatively easy for me to give over to God and let Him do His thing. Other things, not so much. Letting God dig up those sewage tanks inside of you is painful and stinky. LOL. He begins to expose those things that are funky and need to be removed, cleansed, and healed. You feel like naked, like every thing is magnified. I think this is probably normal. I also believe that while some people can sense you're going through something, that God covers you. I am writing this as much for myself as for anyone else who may read - let Him pour that peroxide on your wounds. Yes it stings and it some cases, it even stinks :-), but you've got to let Him clean you out. He loves us. He wants us to be complete in Him. He wants us to be comfortable in our own skin and He wants us to appreciate that each of us is His very own unique creation. Not one of us was a mistake. Not one.

Rediscover that joy in the midst of your growing pains. Pray about it. God never stopped being God. The joy doesn't have to stop. Be blessed and know that you are not alone.

Tears of Healing

This weekend, I visited with family and it brought up a lot of emotions. One of the events that it brought up was the death of my nephew 7 years ago. This morning, I allowed myself to think it and the tears came. And the sniffles turned into sobs and the sobs turned into me being hunched over bawling. I still battle with what I was taught as a child - that tears are a sign of weakness. When it comes to intercessory prayer, tears don't bother me, but when it comes to the other things, things that I have buried deep inside and that I try to keep God from even getting to - I try to keep my emotions in check. So, He caught me while my guard was down. The thing that hurt so much about my nephew's death was that I didn't really know him. I had just begun to build a relationship with my brother (my dad's son from a previous relationship) and he was sent overseas. My brother took his family along. I remember vividly - I was hanging out with my brother and my nephew was there and he hugged me so tight. And I remember thinking how when they came back, I looked forward to getting to know him better. A year later or so after they left, my nephew died. At the funeral, I felt like I didn't have a right to cry, I didn't have a right to be really upset because I did not know him. But this morning, I realized that I was so hurt because I never would. He was 10. I never really dealt with it I guess. After the funeral, I went back to college. I focused on my studies. I guess I compartmentalized it. But nearly every time I am reminded, my throat tightens and my eyes well up.

I don't say all this to get a sympathy response. I say all this to acknowledge that we all have things, deep hurts, that we sweep under the rug. Maybe we feel like we don't have a right to feel anything about it or maybe we feel that it's not really a big deal or we should just get over it because it has happened and it's done...but whatever it is, I want to let you know that it is acceptable to cry. In fact, it is necessary. Allowing ourselves to feel those emotions can be VERY painful, but I believe that those tears are key to our releasing and then healing from those situations. God wants to lift the proverbial rug up and expose those stains, the cracks, and the holes that it was covering up. So let those tears out. Look at all that bottled up hurt and pain as an anchor. It is holding you down and keeping you from ascending to that next level spiritually and in the natural. Come forth with your "broken and contrite" heart and leave your burdens at Jesus' feet. Let Him into those places that you previously kept off limits. Be encouraged - you are not alone.