What Type of Mom Did You Think You'd Be?

While I was pregnant with my son, I don't remember having a definite plan for how I planned to parent or the "type" of mom I'd be. I just remember wanting to a)be better than what I may have experienced and b)to be a conscientious parent and not to do what necessarily makes life easier for me, but what makes life BETTER for him (the two are not always synonymous). That being said, I've turned out to be far more "granola" than I imagined. I'm still pumping and breastfeeding.😩😂My son will be 1 in about a week and a half.😍

I worry if I'm helping him be the most independent, strong, smart, caring little person  he can be. So far, he's showing signs of growing independence and overall, he's a happy little guy  - so I think those are good signs. Will I make mistakes? Yep, already have. Am I already taking notes on what I'd tweak with child 2? Yes indeed. But it's ok. I'm glad to be intentional is most everything I do concerning him.

So, what kind of parent did you think you'd be?

First Christmas As Three

This Christmas was our first as parents. Last year, I was pretty well into my pregnancy (about 30 some odd weeks), but while Kyrie was present, this was his first outside of the womb. Anyway, it came and went quickly. Kyrie was more interested in playing with the bulbs on the tree than opening presents and my husband was preoccupied with starting breakfast. I am the one who really loves Christmas, so you can imagine how all this had me feeling.🤣 But in the midst of all that, I realize now how blessed I am. I have everything I ever asked for from the Lord. We even had gifts for our son under that tree (shout out to the grandparents, y'all the real MVPs on that one).

This year has been one of firsts and it's been one of shaking and change in my world, but it's been beautiful, even in the midst if some struggles. I have grown as a woman and I'm ever growing as a mom. This by far is the hardest, most rewarding thing I've ever undertaken. My son's energy and joy inspire me (and reminds me I'm 35 sometimes, LOL). I am so thankful for this life I live by faith. Happy Holidays to you and blessings.

Extra! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT!

As a new parent, I know some veteran parents may think I'm "extra". Extra protective, extra particular about who my child is around, extra concerned about his diet, maybe even extra concerned about how he looks when he leaves the house. To that, I say, hindsight is 20/20, but all but the last thing on that list can have long term effects on my child. How do I know? Because of my own experiences as a child.

I was molested and exposed to pornography around the age of 3 or 4. It was by older kids and we didn't have adult supervision. Our parents/guardians would send us off to play, not knowing we were repeatedly being exposed to graphic images and being forced to reenact them. Then, I was threatened with harm if I told anyone.

I know as a Christian, I should not operate in fear. However, I think being conscious of who my child is around and yes, not letting any and everyone handle my baby is not fear (or acting funny), but wisdom in my opinion. There are so many children who never had the horrible experiences I did. I'm just trying to make sure the cycle is broken with my children, in every way possible. Abuse/molestation was generational is my family.

At the end of the day, I know I can't protect my child from everything. However, I have to use hard earned wisdom or I'd be a fool. I do not operate under the assumption that family or close family friends are safe. I wish I could, but abusers are often people your child knows well and trusts. So that means, I do not discriminate. I'm particular with EVERY. ONE.

What is my point? Your child is your child. God gave them to you to instruct, protect, and rear into responsible, God-fearing people. People will judge and misunderstand you ALL. DAY. LONG. Could you be extra? Maybe. But you are your child's parent, those people are not. You are responsible for your child's well-being, they are not. There is no manual, but life teaches lessons and each parent has to learn theirs. You do what you are comfortable with as a parent. I am learning to stand on that each day. Blessings!

Balance

It's been awhile and I will say, this has been a particularly chaotic (at least to me) season in my life. As you all know, I'm a new mom (I still consider having a 10 month old new) and balancing that with life as a working professional, a wife, and even a friend and daughter, has been rough. On many fronts (maybe all of them to be honest) I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. Like literally, Jesus is the thread, I'm hanging on for dear life, and I feel like my grip is slipping on many days. I prayed to be a mom, but I did not comprehend how hard it would be to juggle all the other stuff. Add to that dealing with the intersection of all those other things - work, family, friendship, and being a Christian who genuinely strives to live right - man...it's bananas.

Lord, I prayed that You would bring order to my life, but I'm learning that you answering my prayer may look like things falling apart in the natural. So, Lord, I thank you for my life falling into place even though I want to hide in a cave until the dust settles. I'm praying for the balance in my life that will help me to be a better Christian, wife, mother, friend, and daughter.

More on Forgiveness

On Sunday, our church has extended intercession. It was needed. During prayer, the Lord spoke to me regarding my mom. He told me I needed to forgive her. I cried. I said, she doesn't deserve it. God sweetly checked me and said neither did you. 😯😂😩

But God went on to explain that forgiveness doesn't mean you have to hang out around a person. He also told me to release her to Him, but I didn't deserve what comes with dying in unforgiveness. In short, forgiving her is for me, not for her. If she is offended at me, she will have to face God with that, just like I would.

God went on to tell me to be the mother I wished I had. Can you say tears? He also gave me permission to release a word, when the timing is right. He just showed me how some stuff I'd said or thought about her applied to me too and I needed to let it go.

Am I going to recount stuff? Nope. I'll just say that by the grace of God I'm a survivor. I am in my right mind and I have the love of the Father in me. Moving on from the trauma inflicted by others is not weak, but an act of self care and preservation. Beloved, God wants all that darkness in you to be lit brightly with Him and His love and goodness. Let it and them go, if necessary. God has much better for you.

More on Parenthood: My Perspective

If you've read my blog for awhile, to some degree you know me better than most. One thing I don't talk about much is my relationship with my mom, which is admittedly not awesome. It's barely existent.

But I'll pause on that. I was thinking about my own experience as a parent, and parenthood is really a gift. A really big responsibility and really hard at times, but I wouldn't trade it. Which makes it harder for me to understand or excuse how I was treated as a child.

Disclaimer: No parent is perfect, I get it. But, to make your child feel like a burden, to call them names, break them down mentally or to just not be emotionally available...that's not okay. Saying or doing things which make your  child feel insecure or inadequate, that's not okay. It is in children to want to please their parents. It's not our job to use that innate desire against them.

I have grown up more in these few months of parenthood than I thought possible. I don't sleep through the night anymore, I get bitten, screamed at, thrown up on, peed on, and that's just the baby. 😂 But I love this tiny human so much that none of those small inconveniences matter.

I respect those who made the decision not to become parents. But if you do, know it's as much about being prepared inwardly as outwardly. You can be poor and your child won't realize until later, but they will recognize being well loved. Just like if they're fortunate enough to understand being loved well later, they'll recognize when they haven't been loved properly.

My goal as a parent and my husband as well, is to raise a loved, loving , secure, well-balanced, God-fearing, respectful human being. Even if it's not always fun, even if we don't feel like it - that's what we signed up for.

Remembering God's Peace

I remember one of my first personal experiences with what I now know is the Holy Spirit. I had gotten my heart broken and I was "doing me" or whatever that means. I wasn't saved and definitely wasn't living a saved lifestyle. I had taken a shower and everything that had happened - my first love, who I thought was my best friend, was getting married. I was beside myself, sobbing and I felt like someone had ripped my heart out and punched me as hard as they could in my stomach. I was  wailing like someone had died, and in those moments, a part of me had. It was a pain I'd never felt before. Curled up on the floor in fetal position in my towel, I felt a peace I'd never known. My sobs stopped. It was like someone gave me a hug. I eventually got off the floor and I knew I'd be ok. God had mercy on me in one of my worst moments. He showed me love even though I had always known deep down that particular relationship would never work and furthermore, wasn't good for me.

God really does love us first. Not because we deserve it, but because we are His. All of us, whether you believe in Him or not. He patiently waited for me to receive Him and I am forever thankful. In return, He gave me life. He gave me love. He gave me what I had really been thirsting for, but I was at the wrong well. Years went by, but one day He met me on my living room floor.