Life After Birth

Forgive the location, but there was a full length mirror present.  I've really been thinking on my life as a mom and how it's changed so much about me - physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. This shows the outward - when I got pregnant, I weighed 200 lbs. I gained 20 during my pregnancy and now I hover around 173. I'm being really transparent because I feel like not enough people talk openly about what the body goes through to make a human. In my case, my son was the come up! But my tummy is still getting together and looks like an etch a sketch😂😂, but I respect what my body has done and am thankful to be a part of God's creative process. My point? Work on loving you at every stage.

On Breastfeeding

I wanted to take a minute to write about what is presently a somewhat important, if not prevalent part of my life, and that's breastfeeding. Before you hold your breath, this is not a manifesto. I ascribe to the "Fed is best" ideology. You'll get no side-eyes from me if you say you couldn't or just don't want to. It's not like I come from a background of women who successfully did it. In fact, just the opposite. I was so accustomed to the idea of buying formula that breastfeeding was pretty foreign to me. I had one aunt who breastfed her children and I remember them being really big, solid, healthy babies.

Did that influence my decision to do it? To a small extent. I can't tell you a single factor that influenced my decision. Of my close friends with children, I think the majority actually did not. But enough did that it became more normal. I also liked the idea that my body is capable of not only housing a person, but also providing nutrition after birth. But I also had women who made disparaging comments about how they thought it was gross.

I went in saying I'd try and if for some reason I could not, there was no problem with formula. Then I got gestational diabetes. I read up on it and saw that my diabetes put my child at risk of developing it later. I also read that breastfeeding would subsequently cut that risk, for me developing Type II later and for my son. Another check in the box for breastfeeding.

I also saw the cost of formula. Another check in the box for breastfeeding.

There's also the bonding experience  (which let me note, also occurs with bottle feeding and skin to skin contact). Check for breastfeeding!

The reality? Every mother's experience is different. Say it with me! This is just mine and I hope itvis helpful and relatable! Initially, I almost gave up before I began because my son wasn't getting enough colostrum and lost a lot of weight. My milk came in on the third day. Then, what no one warned me about - cluster feeding. My son was all about getting his weight up. He fed almost nonstop from 2 am to 7 am for about 3 days. Bruh.😩

Then, there was the discomfort. Your body and specifically your breast/nipples, have to get used to a baby feeding from them. My nipples actually cracked, scabbed over, then acclimated. Nipple balm does help.

I nursed exclusively the first 4 weeks per the lactation consultants orders. I  was counting down the days until I could give my son the bottle. Then something happened. I got the hang of it. I found it easier to give him the breast than to pump (which I'll address in a minute). We developed a routine. And I got used to the idea of breastfeeding in general.

Now onto pumping - it feels nothing like a baby nursing. It is artificial and it's not relaxing in the way nursing can be. It kind of hurts and it can cause your nipples to swell and stretch a bit. Didn't know that either. Men often don't and can't appreciate the hassle of it and I understand why women used to be stay at home moms as a rule of thumb. I am fortunate. My office provides a wellness room which can be used by breastfeeding moms. The downside? It can also be used by sick coworkers who need to lie down.

Now, onto the benefits I've experienced 1) weight loss. This is not a guarantee, but it is a benefit some moms experience. 2)Nursing has a calming effect on most moms. It releases the feel good  hormone,  oxytocin. 3)Your milk changes composition to fit your child's needs. Your kid sick? Your milk will adjust to include extra antibodies to help them fight it off. 4) The bonding. 5)convenience. I am the bottle.

Breastfeeding in our current societal construct can be difficult, from lack of understanding to lack of support. It can also be super cost effective (free food!)and a beautiful experience. I'm really glad I've been able to do it. So, if you're considering it, try it. If you're not, that's cool too. Fed is best.

If you need support or have questions, I'm here. I also know a great doula to refer you to.

God is good

A snippet from a convo at work, in reference to the devastation from Hurricane Harvey:

Coworker (sarcastically): And they say "God is good", hmph!
Me (matter of factly): God is good, people just make poor life decisions!

The coworker went on to say God was like a child with a magnifying glass looking at ants. I just shook my head and said, not my God.

And I'm writing this because I know this coworker enough to say he's experienced a lot of hurt and some hardships. And I can say the same. But through it all, I can still say God is good because even with those things, I am here and prospering. Not necessarily because I  am a good person or I deserve it, but because God really is good. And for clarity, prosperity doesn't mean I don't have challenges or struggles, but I am lacking nothing.

This brings me to my point, a misunderstanding of what it is to be good and a misunderstanding of what love and what God's will is for man. Jesus said, none but God is good, and Jesus is the pattern! 1 Corinthians 13 tells us what love is. And Jeremiah 29:11 tells us that God means us well and to give us hope and a future. The Bible also says God chastens those whom he loves and if you are not corrected, you are a bastard and not a son.

This is truth. Selah.

Bitter Pill

I take a sip
Still my voice
If I said more
I'd be met with remorse

So I take a gulp
Swallow slow
The rage that bubbles up
When something else hits me low

I sometimes feel low
on the totem pole
But I can't let it show
I'm struggling so much
But you wouldn't know

The bitter pill
Of inadequacy
It hits my blood
Filters through my veins
And threatens to overtake me

Bearers of Life

Just reflecting on the wonder of the human body and what God gives us the ability to do. We are literally bearers of life. We (women), with the help of our male counterparts, can conceive and create life. How amazing is that? If God wanted, He could have made it so man could not reproduce himself, but since we are made in His image, He also gave us creative power. Muse on that. I think we take it far too lightly when a woman has a baby or the terrible loss she must experience when that baby does not make it, either through miscarriage or stillbirth or worse still, that child that a woman carried, loved, and raised, is murdered. We take LIFE too lightly. Let us appreciate and respect life and one another and what it took for us to even get here. It is AMAZING and MIRACULOUS. Each of us is a walking miracle. Ok, enough philosophical musings - have a blessed day!

Who am I now?

This is the question I've been asking myself for a while. In the last 4 years I became a wife, then a homeowner, then a mother just 4 months ago. So much has changed and I don't recognize the woman before me at times. I've changed so much. My life has changed so much, but at the same time, I'm unsure what life was like before my son's arrival. I also can't imagine life without him. I love more, worry more, plan more, and want more out of my life since he got here. I never thought I could love a person so much!

But as for me? I am unsure of what Tiffany looks like in this new reality. I know I'm skinny and my stomach looks like a deflated balloon😂, but in all seriousness, this new reality seems to mandate a new approach.

I've recently gone back to work and hats off to the work wives and mothers out there. It's hard. My day starts at 5 and doesnt end until close to midnight. I only get to spend time with my son and husband for about 5 or 6 of my waking hours Monday-Friday and sometimes less than that depending on what's going on. And I can't help but think - there must be more to life than work, rinse, and repeat. The saving grace is that I do work from home half the time, or else, it would possibly by less.

So what's the new approach? In the midst of what could be chaos, find peace in the Lord and not be wasteful with time.

Trust the Process

There has been so much change in my life over the past few months and I have changed so much...I barely recognize myself. I became a mother and this little boy showed me a whole 'nother side of love. He is beautiful and happy and good natured. Nursing him has helped me lose about 60 pounds. I also recently lost my great grandma. I think because I had her so long and in my mind, I know she's with God, I didn't realize how hard it would be to lose her.

So, I welcomed new life and had to say goodbye to parts of who I was. And this stripping has been so hard. I'm trying to figure out who this new woman is. This woman, no longer a girl, not just a wife, but now a mother. How do I balance it all? I'm also preparing to go back to work too. I took it for granted that women just do all this stuff, but never considered the heart wrenching decisions and worries that come with it.

I'm just at the place where I must trust God. Because of my past, I see that I have trouble with trust due to so much disappointment. God has never disappointed me, but I had been hanging on to the anxiety that comes from lack of trust or stability. Now, more change is occurring, more digging, and I must trust the process.