Healing Hurts and Moving Forward

I try to live my life in a way in which I focus on the positive and not on the negative. I, like most I think, don't like to deal with the things that hurt, that aren't so happy. Welp, wounds need to be cleaned so they can heal properly and emotional/mental wounds are no different. So, what's the wound I'm not letting God clean because I know it'll sting? My mom, but more broadly I think my difficulty in forming close bonds with women. It's not impossible for me, as I've managed to do it, but I find it difficult. Also, as an adult woman, coming to the realization that my mother, for all intents and purposes, is just the woman who birthed me. Our relationship is purely surface level. I have made up in my mind that I will help her and honor her in the biblical sense (as with money, for example) but I don't trust her with my heart. I don't trust her with the things that important to me because of all I've been through with her growing up and as an adult. I've given up wanting more from her because how can you draw from an empty well?

This is not where I'll detail those things, as it's not important to recount, but it makes me sad. When I can't trust the woman who carried me in her womb, imagine how hard it is to let in even people I call friends and mentors, and know mean me well, all the way into my heart. Even with my spiritual mom, I love her, but I'll only let her get but so close because I can't let another mother figure break my heart. And I think that's why every time I pray about it, and I think of even going to my mother in law, it doesn't feel quite right. If things stay just as they are, I can't be disappointed. That's a pretty hard position to put a person in and I recognize it. Because of that and also because I'm pretty sure I heard it, I believe that God Himself wants to mother me. But I'm scared to let Him do it too.

I know it's impossible for God to lie and the truth is, when I've been disappointed, it's been because I was wrong in regard to my expectations or I wanted to put my timetable or my spin on what God said. All I know is I want this particular ache in my heart gone, I don't want to give any quarter to bitterness, and I want to have an open heart to others (using discernment of course). I do believe working with young women is a part of what God has for me. I want to forgive with all my heart, mind, and strength and not be affected by my genealogy anymore. I know I'll have to if I am to pour out as God desires me to.

So, my prayer for myself and anyone struggling with a similar issue, is to surrender to God's love and to grasp the reality that it is MORE than enough, that there is no person too broken, no wound too deep, nor any situation that He can't make live again.