Learning to Love Me

I, like many I'd say, have struggled most of my life with body image. I remember as a young girl, hating my butt because it made it hard to find pants that fit and it made me appear older. I wasn't built like my friends or the other kids I watched on TV. I didn't like my breasts initially because I started developing when I was in the second grade and I was one of the first to get a training bra. My uncles teased me and I remember being so humiliated. Then, as I got older, I lamented that my breasts weren't bigger. I was still self conscious about my butt. The cat calls from older men from the age of 11 didn't help either. Then in high school, I was convinced I was overweight. I was a size 13 in juniors. At 5'3.5 and 140-145 lbs, the charts in health class said my weight should be at least 20lbs less.

In college, I lost weight from the change in diet and being more active. I dropped to about 135 and a size 9/10. But I had moved on from that focus. I still didn't laud myself as beautiful, but I was thin ( at least for me). I don't remember actually seeing myself as thin though. I could still see lumps and bulges where I thought they shouldn't be. I just began to accept it.

I graduated from college and got my first job - a desk job. As I grew up, I realized my body was still changing. I started to appreciate the new curves, but I still struggled with me. As I got older and eventually accepted Christ, I found the issue never really was about pounds or dress size, it was about how I felt about me on the inside. I didn't love me. I tolerated me. I was always amazed when others seemed to more than tolerate me and I rewarded it with faithfulness and loyalty. Even when the same wasn't shown to me.

Through God, I'm learning to love me. When I look in the mirror, I see with clarity. What God made is beautiful. It's been a long while since I cried in the mirror and asked what was wrong with me. Now, I weigh more than I ever have - but I'm happy with me. Do I desire to lose weight? Sure, but it's to get in shape, not to somehow make myself beautiful or acceptable. I'm already both.