Sunday, June 5, 2011
Hanging on for the Blessing
I submitted my resume and a few days later, I got an email. My first thought was, "Dang, they rejecting me already?!" (See how that boldness kind of flipped?) No, turns out, they were asking me for a writing sample. Now, in the midst of all of this, I'm going through VERY heavily in my personal life. And during the time frame that I was supposed to be working on this writing sample, it only intensified and got worse. I prayed again that God would give me favor. I seriously was uncertain if I was providing enough background or following their writing protocol well enough...so, I submit it on the last day I could do so.
Two weeks later, I got a call - they wanted to interview me. I nearly FLIPPED! Now, usually, I try not to get too excited because I'm scared of being disappointed, but I had already prayed, "Lord, if you just let me get my foot in the door..." and He seemed to be cracking the door for me to come on in. I had to do a presentation for the interview and that made me nervous. You see, normally, I get pretty nervous in front of people. I think I can present well, but it usually takes me about 2 minutes to get comfortable. Problem is, this presentation was only supposed to be 7 mins long. The night before, I ended up switching gears on the whole thing and I was also nervous that I would go blank or seem like I was not knowledgeable on the subject matter.
The day of the interview, I decided to drive into D.C. At Dupont Circle, my car cut off. Fortunately it was a red light. You see that prayer is becoming a reoccurring theme in this story right? Because I definitely had to pray again. My Honda has served me well, even though due to the aforementioned tightness of finances, I haven't been able to really do all I should do to keep an aging car running. But that's a side bar - the car did kick over and I made it to my interview, still early. So, as you can imagine, I'm trying to relax and get my nerves together. Then a funny thing happened - I went into the interview and it was such an easy going and welcoming environment, I was put at ease. It was like I was on autopilot. They fired questions and I answered without struggle. I believe without a doubt it was God. I promise you I can't remember having a presentation go so smoothly and if you ask me how I responded to the questions, I couldn't tell you.
Well, three weeks later, I found out... I GOT THE JOB! I start July 1. I never asked in prayer, but I kind of thought to myself, I want to be in a new position by July 1. My point of this story? Often, things don't look good. They may not look good for awhile. You may question - Lord, did I hear you right? Or did I do this of my own accord? You may get anxious (though the Bible says we should not be anxious for anything). The important thing is that you hang on. Continue to pray...He hears you. :-)
Now since that time, God has continuously blessed me. Not long after I got that job, I ran into a brother from my church who I hadn't seen in a long time and who later became my husband. My life has changed so much in these three short years and while they have been wonderful blessings, I have still struggled through some things spiritually, mentally, and physically. This entry, the one above, reminded me of how God moves when you talk to him. I have been so distracted and tried to juggle so much, that my relationship - that talking to God like that, has suffered. I pray, but I feel like my relationship with the Father has changed. I had gotten so preoccupied with the things of life, I was not taking the time I used to bask in his presence. I was paying more attention to my to-do list, what I had to attend to, distracted by Facebook...etc. And yet, He has still exhibited so much grace and I'm just like, why? I don't deserve it. And I am constantly reminded - grace is not earned. The very nature of it is unmerited. We did not do anything to get the grace and the love and the sacrifice Christ showed on the cross. Period.
I've been running. I know what I am supposed to do. I know the gifts He has given me. And yet, I am not using those gifts like I should. And I realized that slow moving creature God showed me in dream - is me. I thought I had gotten over my fear of messing up, of being inadequate, but not really. But as I write this and confess my sin (missing the mark), I realize that I put too much stock in my ability (my flesh) to mess up and not enough stock in His ability to guide me and keep me on that narrow path. I know who I was and what is still being worked out of me. And while God only sees me born as of November 2008, lately, my mind keeps going back to Tiffany B.C. (before Christ). It's a good thing God knows me too, much better than I know myself. I'll never forget, in prayer almost a year ago, at my pastor's house, I heard God audibly say to me, "Issachar! Why are you struggling with yourself?" That's what I've been doing for the last year. Issachar means "there is recompense" or to make amends, to pay the price. It also means, "He will bring a reward". I will pay the price, but He [Jesus] is the reward. Of course, I didn't understand what God meant or even that He was probably giving me a head's up, but I do now.
I have read the book of Jonah twice. The first time I just thought, "Man, Jonah is tripping.", then I read it again and I saw Jonah differently. And now, I realize, perhaps there's a bit of Jonah in me. Maybe even a lot. I have been stubborn. Terribly stubborn. It's time to do what my Father told me to do.
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